My Unsent Letter

Dad,

I can't remember when our relationship started going sour--sometime in my childhood. My earliest memories of you were of me running up the stairs trying to get away from you or being screamed at and trying to keep a straight face, a skill my siblings have since commended me for. I remember dreading hearing your footsteps and knowing you were home. I remember begging my mom not to tell you when I did something bad. For as long as I remember, we have been two polar opposites. Your unabashed rage and your inability to admit when you're sorry (instead overcompensating by being weirdly nice and trying to joke around with me) have made it very hard for me my whole life to want to form a relationship with you. I feel like you change on a dime and I can never really trust you.

It's really uncomfortable being alone with you. I have nothing to talk to you about. You know nothing about me. There's just this heavy silence sitting over us and I can never push down the lump in my throat and actually talk to you.

I feel guilty for not having a relationship with you. I don't blame you for not being able to access your emotions or being vulnerable enough to apologize. I know that I'm a fully grown adult with all of the capabilities to fix the relationship. But then again, I feel like it was your job as a parent to at least try to repair the relationship when I was still a kid and I still feel like it's partly your job as a parent to try to fix it now. When my therapist suggested I talk to you about this and be the one to start building the relationship, I could not envision myself ever being able to do that and I could not bear her thinking that I'm a bad person for not trying so I quit going. It makes me quite sad seeing my friends with their dads who call them lots and care about what's going on with their lives. I can't count the amount of times I've broken down after seeing my friend's dad give her a hug or call her to ask how her friends are. It's not like I don't want a relationship, I just can't see myself having one with you.

You know nothing about me. You don't know who my friends are, you don't know what program I'm taking in university. You still offer me pizza despite me being gluten-free for half of my life. One time when I was in university living away from home, you did call me. I broke down crying and shaking on the side of the road, terrified to answer because a call from you usually meant I'd done something really bad and needed to come home right away. When I found out you were just checking in on me--the only time you've ever called to check in on me--it made me feel even worse for having such a big reaction. It hurts my heart that after not seeing me for months, you never once came to my college campus to visit me or get a coffee with me. I lived half an hour away.

It hurts that every time I do see you, it's constant criticism. I broke down when I came home from university for Christmas and you looked at me, sighed, and looked away. You didn't even say hi. I feel like you genuinely look for every excuse to criticize something I've done or criticize me for not doing something else. You blame me for things I did not even do and don't believe me when I defend myself. I feel like I've grown so much as a person but you've never told me you were proud of me or even acknowledge anything I've overcome.

I'd almost like to say there is nothing in me that is similar to you. I never want to be like you. But I see it when I get mad or when I emotionally shut down. In those respects, I'm very similar to you.

I'm working in university to be a youth counsellor and I've realized that I get really triggered by other people yelling and it makes me shut down. This has really impacted my work and has even made me question if I can work in this field altogether. I'm not blaming you for this. I know that this is something I need to work on, but I also know that this wasn't fully my fault.

Again, I don't know if I want a relationship with you or if I want to keep things just how they are. I feel like enough damage has already been done and I feel like you're not going to change. You really haven't changed at all even now that I'm an adult. I don't know.