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so basically, I used to be best friends with this girl at my school and I didn’t know it at the time, but she has a lot of mental illnesses. sometimes during our friendship she would do things that really hurt me like saying there’s nothing good about me, making fun of my body, making fun of the way I act and just being generally rude. anyways, my junior year of high school (I’m a senior now), I told myself I was going to make new friends and try to branch out since I’m a really shy person. she told me if I ever made new friends she would be really mad and probably wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. I ended up making a new friend and we got really close and I knew it made her mad so I would try to hang out with them equally, but it was never enough for her. she started being really toxic, making fun of me more and being rude to my new friend as well. in the middle of all of us, her dad died, which made her become 10 times worse (she’s always bullied people since freshman year, I just didn’t know bc i came as a sophomore) after a while, I was done with her excuses for just saying these hurtful things were just a joke and I was being crazy, So I decided to not talk to her anymore. This made her go crazy and she started texting my new friend going crazy. She even texted my mom a long message trying to get her to hate me and she started trying to get everyone to turn against me. I talked to her and she just made excuses the whole time and it fixed nothing. I’ve talked to her probably four times about why her behavior is unacceptable but she just makes excuses and says I do those things to her, and she doesn’t do them to me. so I decided it was best if we cut the friendship off. Ever since then she’s lied about me to a lot of people I thought were my friends, and now they hate me. she’s even somehow swayed the opinions of all the staff at my school (I go to a small private school) and now my own boss that I work for (i work at the school as a writing tutor) is on her side and is rude to me everyday. I’ve tried to talk to the school counselor before and the school counselor is even on her side. recently, she went to a mental hospital and is now taking medicine so she acts a bit better (she still has a terrible temper and acts mostly the same) . The problem is now she is being a fake version of herself and is being fake nice to everyone and still bullying and lying about people and me in the background so no one sees. she even got an award two weeks ago for changing and becoming an amazing person. It’s crazy!!! I don’t know what to do because I just feel so discouraged that no one understands my side of the story and people just believe her because she can manipulate them so easily. I have no idea what to do and it’s really affecting me and discouraging me. I need advice.
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If u can u should try making more friends like you said. I understand she has mental problems which can be difficult for the both of you. But if u can try to go out more and find people who have similar interests as u. Also ik it may sound dumb but do a self care night i promise it rly helps with stress. Im sure u will be okay and if all fails u still have websites like nonvi to reach out online. I wish u the best.
ReplyThank you so much! I actually have quite a few friends now, but the problem is, she’s going to them lying about me to try to make them hate me. On a few, it has worked.
ReplyAdvice for what?
ReplyThis might be hard to hear but the people who believe her instead of you, probably don't have a brain or opinions. The people who TRULY know you, will know that you’re a good person and see through that (like your mom, and hopefully your friend.) and tbh that’s the only thing that matters. I know right now everything seems terrible, and everyone is against you but… does it really matter in the long run? Eventually these people are going to graduate from this school and forget about this, eventually the staff will forget about you. Isn’t that so relieving to think about. Judging by your post I feel like you are somewhat young (not in a bad way), and the only reason I’m saying this is because when I was younger I hated when people spread rumours about me and disliked me. Believe me, I’ve also been in positions where people spread nasty rumours about me. But as you grow up you realize other people’s perceptions are irrelevant. You know you’re a good person right? So that’s all that matters! You don’t have to prove to anyone that you’re a good person, you don’t have to prove the rumours are fake. Because at the end of the day, people are going to believe what they want to believe and there is little you can do about it. People are going to dislike you no matter what. You can be the most perfect person in the world, and someone will always dislike you. Unfortunately, that’s just how it is. The best thing to do is to keep staying true to yourself, try finding people outside your school, and just live your life. Also no offence but everyone at your school sounds super immature (especially the teachers, like why are they creating their perceptions on you based on rumours???) and the fact that everyone is so quick to judge you without ACTUALLY knowing you, says a lot about their character. Btw, your boss who’s rude to you? Don’t pay attention to her. Keep being you. Some people’s opinions are solely based on others and that’s truly a sad way to live.
Also one of the best things you can do is sit back and watch karma unfold. People like this, never get away with it. Yea, right now she might be winning awards because everyone “loves” her but that’s only temporary. She can’t carry this facade out forever, people will eventually see through her and she will get her comeuppance. I’m so sorry you had to deal with a person like that. I feel like using personal trauma as a way to abuse others is not excusable.
ReplyAlso reply to me if this helps i can always give more advice if needed
ReplyThis is awesome!! Thank you for being so encouraging!
ReplyTrust me it will get better for sure!! Remember this situation is just temporary and people are going to eventually move on and forget about it. I’m telling you 100% you’re going to look back at this situation and realize it didn’t really matter in the end
ReplyMiddle aged here and can speak to this from different angles.
First, I can admit that am absolutely aware of how difficult it can be to be close to someone suffering from a mental illness. If you are sitting in a wheelchair next to the counter and you asked me to grab you a glass from a taller shelf, I would gladly do so and would easily understand the situation. Mental illness is very different, of course, because you can't see it. I think this makes it more difficult for some to grasp. I was in the boat myself for the better part of my life but, one day soon after the birth of our child, my wife started having the craziest mood swings. We had always gotten along very, very well but I found myself developing anxiety because I never knew when my wife was going to "snap". For something most would blow off (I didn't put enough mayonnaise on her hotdog bun, for example), she could just snap and be really, really angry at me for seemingly no reason at all. And it wasn't just that she was upset about the mayonnaise, it's that she was really, really angry about it. I could explain that we could simply, and quite easily, add more mayonnaise to the bun but it's too late. She's been "triggered" and there's no going back now. She could stay angry like this for the rest of the day and would often retreat later into the bedroom where she may stay in bed, in silence, for a day or two or three.
It was determined later that she is suffering from bipolar disorder and those bits of extreme drama were her having a manic episode.
She started taking medication which resolved that issue though she now suffers from some of the side effects of the medication. She explained to me once that, when she was manic, it "felt right" at the time and that her being angry like she was just felt like the logical thing to do. When the episode was over, however, she realized she was in the wrong and felt terribly about it because she never meant to be that way, react that way, or make any of us feel worried or scared.
She's been on this medication now for years but, even to this day, I still suffer a small bit with anxiety. I find that if something big comes up that has negative consequences, I just don't really want to even discuss it with her. The funny thing, though, is that she always acts as a neurotypical person would and so, because of the medication which helps to regulate her mood, it's never the big deal I've convinced myself it will be. I suppose I'm just scarred a bit.
I say all of that to say that I understand what it's like to deal with someone who is neurodivergent. I could have divorced my wife and moved on but I loved her, had to realize this was a sickness, and wanted to work things out and help in any way possible. I'm glad I made that choice as we are still madly in love with one another.
Moving on, I'd like to discuss the harm this "friend" is causing in your life by working hard to turn others against you. In your story, it sounds as if you've had enough (that's understandable) and that you have another friend now (nothing wrong with having more than one). My step-daughter had a really, really good friend that we had to deal with for a short while. The two of them had a falling out and, when they did, the friend went absolutely nuts. Magically, around this time, someone showed up at our house in the middle of the night and poured paint all over my step-daughter's car. We didn't have cameras so didn't have proof but we knew it was the ex-friend. That same girl showed up to my step-daughters workplace trying to start drama there. At some point in time, this ex-friend realized that she had my step-daughters debit card information stored in a mobile food delivery service app so placed hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of food orders at various locations and had them delivered to multiple addresses in our state (some were hours away). My step-daughter, who fits the description of being "alpha", always felt the need to engage. She would text or call this girl and they would have their words with one another. They were in a vicious cycle.
I explained to her that this ex-friend was really "getting off" on the fact that she was making my step-daughter angry. I advised her to stop engaging. I admitted that this ex-friend would continue to cause havoc for a short while but, in due time, she'll give up and move on if she's not getting a response from you. At that point, it's just not fun any more so what's the point?
She agreed and stopped responding to the ex-friend. The shenanigans continued, yes, but in a few weeks' time, it was all over. She stopped reaching out or showing up. Yep, it was over.
As you were trying to make amends with this friend and explain, essentially, "I'm going to have more than one friend now", it seems the ex-friend wasn't very receptive of this news. If you ask me, you've done your part. My advice to you would be the same as I gave my step-daughter - just ignore this girl and her "tricks". I would imagine that, eventually, she would give up and stop bothering you any more.
And, moving on from that, we can discuss the issue you have where this ex-friend has turned the world against you. This is likely true as she's trying to hurt you now but we can't be too sure how many people are actually buying her stories. Because you know for sure she's spreading lies about you, it's easy to think that everyone accepts them as truth. For this reason, you may simply be suffering from a bit of paranoia where you believe these people are "taking sides", "disliking" you, or "out to get you" but, in fact, that may not be the case.
For our most recent wedding anniversary, I had a really big surprise for my wife in store. It was a complex gift with many "things", if you will. I did my best to hide my work (this was a custom gift) and hide the presents (there were a few) but always wondered if she had figured things out. As we got closer to the date, I found myself going crazy because I had convinced myself, based on her actions and things she had said, that she had already figured out my big plan. For this reason, I told her we should celebrate a bit early. "A bit early" wound up being a few weeks early and, even funnier, she actually didn't have a clue what was going on so this really was all a huge surprise to her. I was simply eaten away with paranoia.
It's possible that you've simply convinced yourself that these people, especially the staff at the school, are "taking her side" and are out to get you. This could be true (which would be really disheartening given their positions) but, perhaps, it's not true? You could eek through the building thinking everyone is out to get you or you could walk about as you normally would before all of this, keeping your head high and treating everyone the same as you did before. Maybe this is all in your head. If some have been "turned", it's likely you can't get them back. Generally speaking, this would be an emotional blow and would hurt but, even more so if these are people you were previously friendly with or close to. The dust will eventually settle though.
All in all, this is a very difficult situation you are dealing with and I can understand the emotional toll it's having on you. If possible, try to get yourself back to normal by acting like none of this is bothering you. We can hope this ex-friend will drop the act and that others will resume being friendly with you.
If that winds up not being the case, or if you find that you can't mentally shake this, you may wish to seek guidance from a counselor or therapist outside of the school. Find someone you know couldn't have been manipulated by this ex-friend so that, when the person provides advice, you can trust it, take it to heart, and act on it.
If I'm understanding the story correctly, it sounds like you are still in high school. Not sure how much time you have left there but, when it's over, this all comes to an end. Everyone will go their separate ways and you'll be free of all this. Instead of going to school (a large box where this person is as well), you'll be going to a college, or a job, or some other location where she can't be found. You'll meet all new people and will start over.
The catch, however, is that you have to keep it together until that last day of school.
We're wishing you the absolute best in this very difficult situation.
Good Luck!!
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