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At the beginning of the year, I had quit vaping. At exactly Midnight, during New Years, I took my last hit, since I wanted it to be... Special, I guess.
10 days... I lasted ten days.
Then... I quit again on April 1st. Because how fucking ironic is that? I haven't broken it or relapsed (yet), but I've come to realize something these past few months of relapse (no matter how short my "quitting" period was, I still consider it a relapse), that makes me so much more bitter about this entire thing, and just... Full of despair.
Let's start from the beginning. I have always hated anything alcohol, drugs, and nicotine related, due to what they've done to my family. Me, my brother, and my Grandpa were the only ones not affected by any of those things in some way. I never judged them for it, but I resented the substances that hurt them and me by proxy.
I guess... Something in my perspective on those things changed, and maybe it was when I met the wrong group of people I just wanted to fit in with that started the train of curiosity for me when it comes to those poison filled vapes. Before I had ever gotten addicted to it, I DID vape them, which some may not believe, but it's true. I inhaled the vapes from my 'friends' in the car they drove, cause I was curious, but I guess they had low nicotine levels, cause I never really... Got anything from them. Then, a bit later on, I smoked my mom's vape, pulled from it longer than I ever did, and finally, I felt a high. But...
It was. Absolutely. H o r r i b l e.
The *burn* as I coughed it back up, the dizziness in my eyes, the fogginess in my brain- I *hated* it, it was so PAINFUL. I had sworn off it and knew I'd never get addicted to it. Couldn't, because that was such a horrible experience.
Oh, little did I know...
That happened MONTHS before I actually became addicted, and it was all due...
To the taste and look of it when it flowed out of my mouth.
To be perfectly clear, at this point, I was NOT inhaling the vape, only sucking it into my mouth so I could taste it and watch it flow from my mouth. It simply looked *sooo* cool when it floated away from my mouth in pretty little streams of foggy white. I couldn't help to keep doing it. I loved the way it looked. And maybe if I had just been doing that, I would've gotten bored enough to drop it.
I did get bored...
Bored enough that I wanted something *different*...
I wanted to see what it might look like if I inhaled it through my nose while letting it drift away from my open mouth.
I figured that it would be a one time thing. That it would burn, and that it wouldn't even get me high.
I don't know why it doesn't seem to be this way for other people, but it didn't *burn* going through my nose. Absolutely *nothing*.
It was all good high with no negative consequences. No pain to make the pleasuring high feel *bad* instead.
And so, I got addicted. Which, btw, happened somewhere in either October or November of last year. Not sure on specifics, but it doesn't matter.
At first, I was grateful to be able to now have empathy and understanding for others who also struggle with this stuff, because I seriously did NOT understand addiction before this, no matter how much I thought I did, I didn't.
But...
I don't care to understand anymore.
The thing that I've been thinking about these past few months that, like I said, has filled me with a feeling of despair, is the fact that...
From now until the rest of time, Vaping will
*A l w a y s* be an option and way for me to deal with my anxiety and depression, when it was never like that before.
Vaping was NEVER an option in my life when it came to dealing with hardships and trauma. Never ever, simply never. Until I got addicted. And it sucks. I could relapse in 10 years. I have to make the choice to not succumb to that pull whenever I'm dealing with something. And that's hard. God, that's so. Fucking. Hard. And I simply wish I never made the mistake of meeting those people, who turned out to be bad friends anyways. Or that I never let my curiosity get the best of me. However, I have a feeling it was inevitable anyhow. Being surrounded by it with family members who do it all the time... And *me* not knowing the actual severity of addiction (or, well, actually, a lot of things, even now) until I've actually made the mistake. Hell, I could be told it a million times, acknowledge it- and even KNOW it, in my mind, but until it affects me in a massive and obvious way, I don't feel the urgency to stop whatever detrimental thing I'm doing. It's why my physical health is so bad. The motivation just isn't there- HELL, even when I am feeling it or the effect is now obvious, sometimes even THAT'S not enough to get my motivation going.
It's draining, it's frustrating, and I think I'm just counting up the days until I break my second attempt at quitting.
Who knows, maybe I'll make it 10 years. But then what? What if I break? I need to stay strong and positive- I KNOW that talking like this is more than likely just doing more harm than good, but I... Idk, I can't help it. It hurts, knowing I have to live with the burden of vaping being a *choice* for me now that I have to always turn away from and say no to.
I... Idk what to do, and I hate it. I hate my life right now. Where it's at, the stage I'm at. I know it will pass, but it hasn't yet, so here I am, expressing my utter emotional stress and exhaustion.
The world is not kind or understanding until it's been through the same experience you have. They don't understand until they've been through it too. I hate it. And I wish I was still ignorant.
Comment, don't comment, whatever floats your boat, I was mostly ranting. Maybe if you have a solution or relate in any way and wanna express it.
Thanks for reading if you did. It's nice to feel heard.
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Find people in your community that care, churches, synogogues, community groups. There are tons of people out there that want to see you succeed and happy!
ReplyHonestly? Thanks for the reply. I'm a very lucky person who has that support in my brother. Who is adamant to help me succeed in quitting, even if he must force it in some way. Which, I'll never call him wrong for doing. It is a stick of poison, and with me and him being inseparable (he's my closest friend, and I am his), of course he's gonna wanna try and stop me.
That, and even though my sister and Mom rely heavily on this crap, and are somewhat behind me feeling like it'd be fine to try it ('look at them, they haven't died yet despite years of use'), they've been very supportive and thoughtful about it too. Even my non-blood related Best Friend who vapes has been very considerate, even discouraging me whenever I speak on the notion of really wanting to give in. It's just hard. But through them is genuinely how I'll survive this. How I'll be able to keep saying no.
Fortunately, unlike my last attempt to quit, I don't have dreams of giving into vaping, or at least don't remember ever having them. Something I believe to have been a contributing factor to me relapsing last time.
Though, I do believe perhaps reaching out to the help line might be of some use and relief to me. Perhaps I'll do that.
Again, thank you for the kind words.
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