Well..

I'm not saying I never make mistakes, but I somehow manage to distinguish right from wrong and choose the right thing to do. My biggest mistake was having the same expectations from my friends.

I remember that even as a kindergarden kid, I surrounded myself with friends who were kind, honest, and well-behaved. As I grew up, I always put friendship on a pedestal, and it was a priority of mine to be the best friend anyone could ever have. I'd do anything in my power to be a supporting pillar for my friends because I loved them, I saw a light in them. I was loyal to them. I was honest in every word I said to them be it good or bad. I told myself that if I love I should love wholeheartedly, because my parents only loved me in bits and scraps and never loved each other. I knew when my friends had a situation, a sorrow, or a pain of some sort. I wanted to be there to ease it as best as I could. I was trying to help them not go over to the dark side, not to darken those beautiful souls they had. So, in a way, I was also nagging them sometimes. I was kind of behaving like a parent to them sometimes, I can't deny it. I had very few friends, so I couldn't sit by as they were about to make mistakes that could cost years of their life. I had to at least warn them. I always did it with good intentions, and I couldn't help but be sad when they reacted badly.

I remember my disagreements with each one of them. There was this one time me and a friend were talking about universities. There were two big ones she wanted to go to, but one is in the opposite side of the country. She just couldn't decide where to go. I knew she was an independent girl, but I simply told her being closer to home might be better in the long run. It's easier to travel. God, she got so mad. Now it's funny to me tbh. I suddenly came to this realization a short while ago: She wasn't getting mad at me for stating these facts, she got mad because I was right. At the time she had a crush on this guy she met during a sports turnament. He lived in that far away city and she wanted to go to college there so she could be with him. I was so upset with her because I didn't understand what I said that was wrong. I didn't even know about her boyfriend at that time.

Then there's another thing.

We went to a new year's party in 2022. My classmates organized it and invited me, another classmate and friend of mine, and our other friends. One of these other friends just got into a relationship with a boy who was not present at the party. I thought the party was gonna be us listening to loud music, having a few drinks, watching the fireworks, and then going home. Oh boy... I was wrong. That night my friend had a singular drink and cheated on her boyfriend with a guy from the party. I couldn't look her in the eye the next day. I knew how hurt she was when her ex left her to be with another girl he was seeing, and I couldn't believe that she would turn around and do the same to her new boyfriend who treated her so well. It left a mark on me.

I couldn't pull her aside and talk some sense into her as she simply fell asleep and the next day she felt sick from drinking. A few days later, on our group chat, my friends were talking about the party, saying they had fun. I told them bluntly that nothing was fun about that party because alcohol makes people make huge mistakes. I was salty, especially because we invited them to our class party to have fun, not to let go of morals after 2 sips of vodka. And I couldn't see the end of it.. I got told that it was not my business and that I shouldn't remind her of what she did. Hell no. In fact, she should hold herself accountable for what she did and at least apologize for ruining our new year's eve night, but she acted like nothing happened and even said she had fun. My other friends couldn't admit that they were all shocked and disgusted, but when I pointed it out it was suddenly wrong? I got a sense that my old friends were not the same as I knew them anymore. They weren't the same girls I sat with at picnics and played badminton with in the park. I knew them for 10 whole years at that point. Where was the light I saw? Where's that fulfilling feeling of knowing that your friends are honest, kind people? I used to feel safe around them. I distanced myself as I couldn't believe my eyes reading the waterfall of texts blaming me for giving advice about a situation I had nothing to do with.

The thing is, at the time I blamed myself for a lot of things that happened at that party, I believed that as their friend I should've taken better care of them. I blamed myself for allowing my friend to cheat.

I blamed myself for all of my friends suffering in the past. Even now I struggle to let go of the feeling that I could've done more for them. At the end of the day we're all the same age, we're all kids. I'm not in the position to take care of anyone, I'm not mature enough. I feel sorry for that.

Two years pass and me and that friend are going little to no contact. We met a few times. She and her boyfriend never broke up and she never came clean even though people were openly gossiping about it, pitying the guy. They even came together to my 18th birthday party where I met him for the first time. It was whatever. Anyways, after turning 18 it was time for our driving license tests. I failed the damned test the first time around and struggled so much to actually get it the second time. I felt horrible. For some reason, in my country it's a big deal if you fail the stupid test. It's a reason for mockery and gossip, people start looking down on you. On the other hand, whoever gets the license first try is viewed as respectable and cool.

Two weeks ago my friend (the girl who cheated) gets her driver license first try. Hurray. Today, I hear from a family member of hers that her daddy payed the policeman who evaluates how good of a driver you are. So he payed her way into getting the license first try.

Don't get me wrong, it's not the first time in my life I hear about people paying to get what they want. It's not the first time I hear about cheating either.

It's about the way I view her now. I can't take her mistakes out of my head when I see her. She was my friend. How can she have such low ass morals? Why is she cheating on her loving boyfriend, why is she covering it up, lying. Now why is she paying the policeman? A question came to my mind after I saw her cheating two years ago and I asked myself "Is this really a person I want to be around? Is this a person I'd want beside me?".. as hurtful as it was, the answer was no. It's a paradox to me. How can she be a good friend and a bad person at the same time?

Then again there's this other story about another girl who is a bad friend and a good person. I don't like that either. I don't hate people like that, but I can't have them in my life either.

It was always hard for me to let go of my friends as soon as they started acting like people I can't trust. I didn't know I could hold on so hard. It's funny, though. I always kept pieces of junk like the papers me and my friends drew on in middle school, or our secret letters we passed during class. It hurts looking at people and not recognizing who you see anymore. We've spent a huge chunk of our lives together. She's the same girl. It's just that the light I saw in her had vanished, and all that was left of her was an empty can. She used to be so radiant and full of spirit.

Anyways. Holding on too much on my friends was hurting me. I let them all go. We haven't talked in months, we grew cold towards each other. The friend I was arguing over universities told me that I can reach out to her anytime and she will talk to me. I laughed and told her she could reach out to me aswell. Guess what. I was always the one reaching out first until I stopped. The phone has two ways, you know?

I started to think my friendships were one sided. My love was one sided, my trust, my loyalty, my time, my thoughts. Because I care. Why do I still care?

I'm cold and shy with other people, but my friends always got the warm side of me. My heart was truly, physically aching whenever they'd be hurt or sad. I poured all my love for them. They let me down. Each and every single one of the people I valued let me down.

No one, no boy, not even my parents broke my heart as hard as my friends did. I'm good with words. Please excuse my english, in my native language I can express myself better, but the hurt that I felt, and the sickness it gave me when I realized I mean nothing to no one when they meant everything to me.. that's something no language can express. There's no word for it.. but there's a word for what I'm doing now, which is healing. I'm healing now from all the stab marks I have in my back and all the spears I took in my chest. I'm getting rid of all the poison in my system. I'm learning to accept the wounds and live with it. I'm learning to accept the world as it is. Cruel.