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From childhood I have only faced rejections, during my early childhood days I used to feel it's may be because I m wearing posh clothes, then I thought it's because I m from a middle class not so rich family though my dad was in a reputed govt position and used to earn well. Then as time passed by I realised Its because I m dark in complexion, not good looking to people that they ignore me, they don't like me. Nobody liked to be friends with me. My relatives ignored me. My own brother sister ignored me. I have been a lonely soul ever since my childhood always tried hard to make friends and I was the only person who was persistent in proving how loving n caring I m in every relationship. I was never noticed for my efforts in academics. But my classmates used to get recognition though they scored low marks compared to mine. I still never let myself down. I continued in my life. I could never even approach a guy whom I had huge crush, he always ignored me he knew it for sure that I like him but may be he hated that. As I grew older I got more responsible I studied hard. I completed graduation. I got a job but was not my dream job but still I worked hard nobody recognized it was always the beautiful people who got promoted who got awards but that never stopped me from working. Then one day I got a guy in my life. Who for the first time interacted with me without feeling embarrassed for my looks or my complexion respected me, we started dating we started going out. I felt at the top of the world. Because this guy was tall and really handsome all the girls in office started envying me. They even spoke low of me saying what did he see in her she is just like a mosquito she is no underdressed, like malnutrition patient. And they used mock me. Slowly girls got attracted to my guy. He got a huge gang of friends. Now he has started distancing with me. Started giving excuses for not picking up calls for not going out with me while I found out he was cheating with me with other girls. I let it go. But wanted to know what was my fault? Was it really my looks m I nit a good person? Do I don't have the rights to fall in love with anybody? I really felt naked in front of all my colleagues since he once insulted me for no reason or fault of mine. Then I was in a depression for almost 6 to 7 months my weight drastically reduced I was mentally tormented. I din't have any friends to go to and get share my feelings. I felt awkward, I regretted being alive. During this time I was helped my a old colleague of mine she sort of heard my feelings. I started spending more time with her and even with her family. They all were good. Her brother got attracted to me and then after much perseverance I thought it's better to be somebody who loves me than to be with someone who doesn't even care if I m alive or dead.
I got even closer to this guy and his family almost after 2 years I spoke to my parents but they dint agree. I left the house to be with the guy n his family but within a month I got to know their true colors, my guy was a drunkard and his parents and sisters abused me day and night. I used to work at home as well as in office, I used to earn take care of this family. My guy was jobless always used to get admitted for over drinking. Thoa continued for 4 years. I tolerated this hell only with a hope that my guy will be fine and will soon be on his feet. But yo my bad luck I lost my husband n his parents to corona and sisters threw me out to avoid giving me any property shares. With tears in my eyes I came back to my parents. I started living with my parents. Luckily I don't have kids never even got close to my husband he was always busy drinking. Now I m a lonely soul. Got a better job earning well. But I feel depressed at times when I see happily married people. While looking out for jobs I randomly texted my so called college crush I din't have any intention to scare him but he slammed me saying not to text him as he doesn't want to talk to woman. I really felt bad. I mean I know it's my fault to text married man, but I was not planning to have seduce him. It was just a message. It was out of excitement to having found him after such a long time.
Now I m feeling bad that being single at the age of 35 is a curse.
I can't have a normal life at all. I m really not interested to go on a date with anybody. But sometimes I feel I need a soul mate.
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Being single or not does not determine the value of your life and should not affect your happiness in life
ReplySometimes I do feel I need somebody to talk to
ReplySomebody who could relate to every feeling of mine
ReplyGirl it's 100% not you it's them...
I completely understand you guys at school wouldn't even dare day they liked me because I was not pretty.
This one time when we were at work experience two boys from my school told me to fuck off there table and not sit with them. I ignored them and just eat my food the next day they came to me at work and was like dinner time they were smirking as we walked towards the canteen door they turned and said we've had dinner lol and walked off. Then at Xmas Louise said aren't you going to give J a card and I was like NO I FUCKING HATE HIM. right to his face as he was in my tutor. I think it was then at aged 14/15 that people who treated me like that. That I would never give them the time of day my intention nothing and I still continue to do that to the people who use me ot speak to me in a demeans.
Cut them fuckers out of your life . You can do better.
ReplyThanks, that's right I can do better
Reply