I'm not quite sure.

I asked a co-worker the other day what his thoughts were on “what is the point of life”. This came up in a random conversation between us as we’re always going back and forth regarding philosophical conversations and ideas. It was nothing crazy just a harmless back and forth because we realized that the both of us would be considered on the opposite side of mentality yet we both enjoy philosophy. I believe efficiencies should be put in place regardless of emotion, I feel that if somebody clings to an old idea that they have in place that if you make something more efficient and force them into it, they’ll either change to work with the new design or the person could end up being changed instead. I myself have been replaced in a similar fashion before and it has never actually seemed like something that is considered devastating to me. However, my friend believes in the opposite. He believes that even if something is more efficient, by forcing the individual to adapt to this new process we’re also taking away the drive and purpose they put into this job. In the long run he believes that its better to work closely with the person whose life I’m trying to make more efficient and to have them guide the changes despite the suggestions coming from me. He says it’s a slower process but it’s the more humane option and it doesn’t take away somebody’s purpose so ruthlessly.

I understand his point of view, He understands mine. It’s a good dynamic truthfully.

Back to the original point though, I asked him what the point of life is. At first, he laughed and said “The meaning of life? Is that what we’ve come too?” I corrected him and said the point of life, Not the meaning.

I struggle to find the reason to keep going. I go to work for somebody who owns the company I work at, in order to receive money to pay the bills and other amenities. I buy things of luxury in order to enrich my life and it goes in a circle. It almost feels like one of those online games, work hard enough and you might be able to afford the “Two weeks in Mexico” bundle as a vacation. Regardless of who you’re going through life with it doesn’t change much does it? Even relationships with other people seem like just another coping mechanism to get through the monotony of it all. I was diagnosed with depression after mentioning this to my doctor and I’m not sure why. I don’t feel a sadness to this thought, not really – but it does make everything I do feel a little more pointless. I know people say that you need to find hobbies or things that feel important to you but again, Isn’t it just a distraction? I’m not blind to the fact that the more distractions you have in life the more you feel life has its purpose and you have your set goals. But I cannot see beyond the idea of waking up just to go through everything all over again. I don’t mean the same things either, Dragons dogma two came out recently. Very excited to play it and enjoyed it immensely but even the game brings up the point of repeating life’s cycle over and over. I found humor in the storyline as this line of thought has been on my mind quite a lot lately.

My coworker answered my question without me having to explain further and what he said I still cannot understand, and it really puts into perspective how different our thought processes are.

He told me the point of his life is to help those around him. I laughed and said it was a very noble thought, but he didn’t take this as a laughing matter. He told me that he’s watched too many people end up hurt, and if he can stop at least one person from getting hurt, emotionally or physically he felt that he had a reason to keep going. Seeing how he was taking this question seriously I continued this philosophical conversation the same way I always do, I poked at his answer. Isn’t he just describing self sacrifice? He asked me to explain of course.

By trying to prevent people from receiving pain or getting hurt he needs to do something to prevent that, at least by his explanation that’s what I understood. What I don’t understand is how that provides a reason to get up and do everything life demands just to try and cheer other people up or help them along. Why suffer through things such as living just in order to help ease others suffering?

I was told a story and I know I’ll butcher this story. But its about a heart repairman. Everyday people came to his store because their heart was broken or had a chip. Whatever the damage may be, he took their heart, repaired it, and gave it back to them. Of course they were overjoyed. He never expressed to the people he was helping that he was using up his own heart just to repair theirs. Bits and pieces slowly but surely. Eventually the heart repairman didn’t have it in him anymore to continue to repair hearts. Instead of people coming to his side, His store was shut down and he had lost everything. (That’s probably not how it goes but that’s my new rendition of it)

All of this just seems so confusing lately. The more I try to figure it out the more and more closer I feel to just hitting the quit button. If it turns out this truly is what depression feels like, then its not anything like how people describe. I’m not wailing my eyes out, I’m not hoping things will get better. None of that really. Infact my life is pretty well off in terms of things. I have a wife, A beautiful new SUV, a well paying job (Not crazy high but comfortable) and some very close work colleagues.

Maybe it’s the confusion of everything. I just want to understand, and I know that in truth I will probably never understand. I don’t even know what it is I’m trying to understand. What I do know is that it seems medication to treat depression feels like it doesn’t do anything except for try and make you happy with the situation your in. It seems like such a bizarre thought to adjust the way I think just to be “healthy”.

This random writing has jumped all over the place and I see and understand that. I guess I’m just trying to get everything I’m thinking and feeling out because truthfully, I don’t know who to even talk to anymore. When I discussed my ideas with my friend all he showed me was concern. Concern for my well being, my mental state. Among other things. He was one of the folks who suggested I should go on vacation from my work stress. I don’t have work stress honestly. How do I explain that to anybody? How do I explain this to anyone?

Anyhow, I got out as much as I could. I’d like to hope somebody can read this and provide a helpful response that’s like a “cure all” but I know this isn’t some sorta fantasy game and that these problems and feelings don’t just go away. I don’t think I’m the only person in the world who feels like this, but I do wonder how others that do cope because its becoming a lot harder lately.