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nothing good really happens to me, everyday i wake up and its like the world is against me. i cant go outside on my own, i am terrified of people. i want to go home everytime i go to school, what am i doing with my life? if i keep living like this then i wont live at all, but i dont know how to change. i cant adapt to change. i want to be able to talk to others in a comfortable manner, i want to adapt to other environments. i dont want to depend on others, i dont know how. i cant feel much anymore, everything is numb. i attempted saturday night, its all stupid. i dont know why, if i died what would happen? i know i would make people sad, but i really need advice on how to open up. im still very young, last night i was thinking that i should vent to my best friend. but i just kept typing then deleting. im not okay, i dont know when i will be okay. i want to be okay but i just cant find a way to be. i dont want to go to school, it drains me. everyone comes to me to talk, but when i want to talk. im terrified to, i feel like everyone will leave me if i tell them my problems. i need to tell somebody, i need to open up, i cant live with this by myself. i cant tell my mom, i cant, i just cant. we are already struggling and i cant make her feel more tired. i already told my best friend that i attempted 9 times, she didnt talk me out of things, she just nodded. i understand that she probably did not know what to say. my mom knows i attempted once, and told me not to do it again. i never opened up to her ever again, the day she found out was when i told my sister i feel like attempting again and i told her to finally tell my mom. my brother found out and took me outside to talk. he told me i should got to the same hospital he went to but i did not want to. im too scared, im scared and i need help with my emotions. i feel like im gonna attempt again. i dont know what to do, please help me. please tell me how to open up. its really hard to actually speak, i know people tell me its simple and to just sit down and talk. but my mom doesnt have the time, and god knows i will NEVER tell my father. he is a piece of shit that i am terrified of. he doesnt live with us so i wont tell him anyways. i just need advice, please. im about to turn 13, and i dont want to leave the earth but i dont want to live like this.
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I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand what you are feeling. I too have felt like an outsider a lot of my life and I contemplating unaliving myself thinking it wouldn’t impact people too much. But I didn’t, and I’m so glad. Your pre teen and teen years can suck. But things get so much better once you are in your 20s. For me, I realized in my 20s that I finally have a close friend group I felt totally included in and comfortable in. I have strong relationships with friends where I can tell them anything. And I rarely feel depressed. That time will come for you too. I know things seem bad right now. But this is not all there is. There will be a time in the future where you will be happy and content and full of love. Where you will laugh uncontrollably. Where you will cry but still feel glad to be alive.
Unaliving yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
This feeling will pass. It is temporary. Your depression makes you believe no one would care if you died. It makes you think you can’t tell people or they don’t understand. Literally half the population has had depression at some point. Especially people your age. So you are not alone. You mean so much to so many people. More than you realize. You dying will leave so much pain for everyone around you to handle. You are not better off dead. You have a good future ahead of you. This is only a temporary problem. In 5 years you will be a totally different person and have a totally different life. There will be better days ahead. I promise. It’s up to you to live to see them.
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