Afraid to Give In

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm afraid to understand or use my brain, usually when I'm walking by and I happen to listen to my TV, and it's like I feel a certain fear that basically creates a defensive mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt out of all the triggers that my head has. While sleeping, sometimes my breathing becomes heavy and it's like I'm trying to catch my breath... it's kinda distressing or stressful rather. And for example, when I'm reading something, I tend to take a quick look at the overall text and try to idealize beforehand, because jumping straight into reading something could leave me disappointed, being the internet the infamous place that it is. I'm like so cautious, and I guess it's fine, but at the same time it makes it hard to enjoy life and letting the waves ride. Whatever, you know why it doesn't matter? Because no amount of stuff I ever said changed the fact that I'm living and surviving every day, and so whatever I say here just serves the purpose to make me feel good about myself, but in reality life will continue to be life. It's so absurd how I say all these things and it's like it never mattered in the first place. It did help me get through the dark days, but other than that no one's gonna read this and think, not even myself, that this will affect their or my life positively or in any way, and so... this is just to feel good about myself. Just wanted to talk about how afraid I've become, how I'm always holding on and afraid to let go, and also how much I feel I'm in constant danger, making me be so aware of my surroundings.