My Timed Entry

I wanted you to say that it was ok and you are sorry it happened. I didn't want you to cry. I needed to cry and hurt and feel. Why did I comfort you. Why when I brought it up later did you say that I obviously wasn't over it and was still mad... I wasn't still mad I was heart broken. I needed my mom. I needed some support. After it happened I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't process it. I didn't believe it happened. I blamed myself. I couldn't put words to it. One thing I knew was that I needed to be ok. Be ok for everyone else. Another thing I knew was that no one was going to help me. By the time I was able to put words to my rape I had piled on countless more situations of sexual assault and rape. I was looking to make sense of something senseless. I was looking to hurt myself bad enough that someone would see how I felt on the inside. I was looking to kill myself. I was screaming out for help while being underwater where no one could hear me. And when you did hear my whisper for help you put your hand over my mouth with your tears and grief and I comforted you.