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A few months ago, I tried to kill myself. It was the day grades for that quarter/semester was released, which is relevant because this quarter's release is happening today. I was so disappointed in myself since I thought I got lower grades than I was expecting, but hey, it all turned out okay and I actually was at the top of my class for that semester. Anyway, I'm not planning to kill myself today, but earlier, it just really dawned on me how lost I am.
I'm sixteen, and I'm very much aware of how very normal it is to not know what I'm going to do. However, college applications are nearing, and the gist of it is that years of my life is going to be defined by the decision I have to make in a month. And, I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to apply for Psych since it's the only course I remotely give a shit about (excluding the more "artistic" ones that I do care about, but are not viable career paths). But, I know that it would probably be hard to get a job with that degree too, so now I'm even more confused.
It doesn't help that I don't have that much will to live anyway. I don't even feel like I'm currently living at all. Ever since that weeks ago I mentioned at the beginning, I've felt like a ghost. I can't do anything or be of use for anything in school. The temporary optimism that I tried my hand with at the beginning of the year made me think that this time around, I'll be doing some real change in my life. Unfortunately for me, this has probably been my most pathetic and stagnant year yet (which is saying a lot, considering the whole pandemic thing). It's just the more "real" life gets with college, the less real I feel. Even worse, you'd think running around like a mindless Sim would get me get shit done, but all it did is make me lose my grip on life.
Another thing is, I grew up being told I was gifted and that I have a lot of potential. That maybe made me get into my own head, but nonetheless, I know I'm still what they would consider "smart". But, nowadays, I really wish I weren't. It feels like everything was just handed to me when I was born since it is true that I never needed to work for that intellect. I made it define me, so much so that it's the only thing I'm left with. No hobbies, interests, or actual skills, just that. I'm jealous of others because I never got the opportunity to work for something I cared about. I'm not a musician, I'm not an athlete, I'm not a coder, I'm not a good leader, and I gave up on my hobbies like art and poetry some time ago. I want to get hobbies, and I tell myself "I'm going to start today," but it never happens. I instead rot on my bed and cycle between sleeping and scrolling.
I have grown to hate the weekends because of that. They really tell me to my face just how unproductive and miserable I am when I have free time. And now, I'm running out of free time. College is coming up, if that wasn't clear the last 47 times I mentioned it. Then, after that is work. Then after that, I don't know. I never was capable to seeing myself making it past 30. I think by then I'll either die of a chronic illness or of suicide.
In my defense, I am trying to get better. I opened up to my mom about the whole "feeling lost" thing, and it did feel like I got something off my chest then. But, I have also opened up to her many times before, and I knew that she'll move past it like it's nothing. She'll comfort me when I cry and promise me she'd help, but she'll let go of that weeks later. Hey, props to me, I didn't repeat the cycle of regaining hope after knowing she has let me down several times before. This time, I saw it coming. Though, I can't celebrate too much since I'm still mentally unwell and have been for all of my teenage years so far. Maybe part of me thinks that if I go on and study Psych, I would finally be able to fix and help myself.
Can't this all just be one long dream? Can't I wake up the last time I felt like a real person? Can't I just get hit by a truck one of these days? I'm not sure what advice there is to give to me, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. I just don't want to die knowing I didn't at least try.
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