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i am havign a really hard time and have been for a while. i want to talk about it, but at the same time, i know that it will affect how people see me and treat me -- i dont want to be treated differently for being in pain and not knowing how to deal with it . I want someone to listen to me without me being judged and feeeling like i might not be worthy of frinedship. I
I ve had a rough past couple months and no one knows, not even my family.i wake up and cry a lot and go to sleep in tears too. Its affecting the rest of my life. The cause of my stress is multifacetted and i struggle to even say the words. i was raised to hold in the tears and not talk about the uncomfrotable things. i onmly cry when i am alone and no one can see me.
then recently, the one thing in my lfe that i thought was going well..my career was damaged. i have lost all confident and feel incompetent like a failure. i am scared that i am bringing negativity to wherever i am and that makes me afraid that i will be a burden. i wish that i could bring positive energy wherever i go and all the time but i am only human. the issue has been that fleck of dust that has tipped the scales. now all i want to do is be sucked up into the earth. actually no. i want to die. as long as its not terrible like a car crash.
i considered many options. i dont want to harm others so jumping front of trains or off buildings isnt something i am considering. it just feels so hard. instead of working hard on my career i spent all day researching the most practical, cost effective and non violent way to disappear. its the only thought that makes me calm and gives me the ability to relax and sleep at night otherwise my chest feels tight and i feel like i am about to explode. i want to feel but too much feeling makes me want to feel numb. the only reason i havent done anything is because i dont want ot harm the people around me.
i dont want people tp say sorry or feel bad for me or make it seem like i need help, even if thats the case. i just want to have someone who i can talk to, a shoulder that i can cry on for hours without saying a word. i just want to stop feeling so alone, like an alien and foreigner in my own life and in this world.
i want this all to stop. i knwo what i should do logically, what peopel will say but that advice wont work for me. i've been here before and so i knwo how to stay here until the pain becomes more bearable. but it would be nice to knwo that maybe, me staynig here, and trying will inspire someone else to stay here and try. thats the only thing that can help me right now. that can make these tears worht it. that make every breath i take, though pain ful worth it.
i wish that everyone will feel better and be in a good place - not dead, but living and happy. please wish me well too x.
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