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I actually don't know exactly what to write.
I just want to pen down my feelings.
I broke up with my bf of almost 4 years last July. And I have been healing since then. But I also feel very empty.
He gave me so many insecurities and trauma. Still sometimes I miss him. I am trying to go on dates now, since I really crave some companionship now. But my insecurities always makes the guys run away as soon as they get to know me.
When I broke off with my bf, after some days he sent me a huge message pinning everyone on me. That I was the one due to which he was behaving badly with me.
And just now I was deleting some useless photos and videos and I came across that message. I took screenshot that time as a reminder.
And honestly I don't miss him. But I miss having a partner. And I cried. I cried for myself.
Why did I let him treat me that way for so many years.
I cried for myself. Because no one else will.
I still cry some days when I start thinking about the past.
I just feel so empty and directionless sometimes. I feel useless.
Some days I feel so happy and full and healed. But then there are days like this.
I want someone to love me unconditionally and just give me all the love they have.
Because I do the same.
And I kind of expect the same
But now I am scared of every guy I talk to. What if they also end up treating me badly? What if they get bored of me or are using me?
I don't know how I will react.
I just know that I really want someone to love me fully.
On days like these, I wish desperately that my ex realises his mistakes. Because he never did when he was with me.
I am scared that I will be the only one making efforts again.
Sometimes I want to run away. But then I think... where? And to do what?
I will still come back. I love my friends and family too much to just disappear.
All my friends are in such loving relationships and their bfs just worship them. Almost all of them will get married in this and next year.
I seeing them, I feel happy for them, but also envious.
Why can't I have that kind of love?
Am I too much to handle? Do I ask for too much?
Am I not enough for anyone?
I want to cry and scream at my ex. Why did he do this?????
I hate him. But at the same time I can't hate him. I did love him once.
I used to worship him. I can never hate him.
I am clueless right now.
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