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"Write your thoughts here..." A seemingly simple command. Writing, an action, yet I've become increasingly more aware of how we all talk without walking; no action to our words or thoughts. They slip through our teeth and roll from our tongue as quickly as they were thought up in our distracted heads, a completely separate topic.
Okay, write your thoughts here... Write what you are really thinking, really feeling...
I feel sad. My body and my mind and my spirit are heavy with sadness. If I laugh, I feel guilty. How can I laugh and find pleasure in anything, when she was hurting, and now is gone. I won't ever hear her laugh again, unless I play it in my head, and even that gets distorted and fades with time. What happiness I do feel is brief, momentary, before the bland reminder of death takes hold of my memory again. Sadness is bland, it is colorless mostly, it is heavy and numbing and hard to articulate without the patience of a spinning mind up late at night, absorbed with the inability to sleep, forming the letters into words that would otherwise rest motionless in the pit of my stomach.
I don't know when I will be allowed relief from my grief.. I wish I worded that differently so it didn't rhyme, but it allows a small, simple release of white- be it happiness or freedom or grace, I don't know. But it's small and it's white and it is what I feel when I let myself joke.
I keep reminding myself to honor my emotions. I have nothing to be ashamed of in that, and if it causes an onlooker discomfort, that is their problem. I'm allowed to cry. And I'm allowed to be mad that I feel like I failed her and failed him. I want to be more consciously patient, and compassionate, and resort to tough love last and not first.
Honor your emotions. Grieve and smile and cry and laugh exactly when you feel it should happen. I guess that's more me telling myself that.
It's okay. It's okay to feel. And when I'm ready to feel and my heart has healed, my happiness will come back. I know she wouldn't want anyone feeling sad. She is free now. I do believe that. But I'm sort of lying. 12:22
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