Love life from my years

I’m 8, sitting in the playground. Classmates of mine come over, asking me–

“Who do you have a crush on?”

The question felt surreal to me. I didn’t know. How could you know what having a crush felt like? What did it feel like?

I answer. “Nobody.”

They seem disappointed, denying my answer and assuming I’m lying, before running off. That’s weird.

I’m 9. I am sitting at lunch with my classmates.

I was asked a question by one of my classmates, a pretty girl who I heard likes a boy. Good for them , I suppose.

“Do you like anyone?”

I am confused, but now I can’t say no. I lie, choosing the farthest boy I know that was in our grade.

“Him.” I lie straight through my teeth, the girls oooing all around me. This feels weird, Why did I answer?

I’m now age 10, in a new state and new school. Everyone is okay, A few are intimidating. I made a few friends, One named Leliana. She asked–

“Do you like anyone?”

I dislike the question now, I answer the same as I did a year ago.

“No. I don’t.”

She seemed to scoff, as if not believing me. No, not as if. I know she doesn’t believe me, because she rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. I can tell, despite her annoyed “Okay.”

I thought the conversation was done. Until She pressed further.

“Are you lying to me? Don’t you trust me?”

I did trust her, very deeply. I opened my ribs to her, let her pick her choosing of what she wanted and allowed her to use me like salvage and parts. Why wouldn’t I trust her? She's my closest friend. I answer.

“I’m not, I just don’t like anybody.” I huffed. I didn’t know how people got crushes, let alone relationships. It felt weird, especially considering our age– like we were maturing too fast. I didn’t find anyone in our grade pretty or handsome, smart or silly, or anything like that. They were just people who just seemed to go to the same school as me.

Why don’t I have a crush?

I’m now 11. I got a new friend group, I’m happier after Leliana left. She was very mean, now that I remember.

I like my new friends, they're not solely invested in getting into relationships. I feel in place. Until My friends began falling for people. I remember hearing them tell me how they saw people they had crushes on cute and stuff, but I don’t see it.

I want to ask. How do you know if you like someone? Maybe if I did, I could get answers. But I bite my tongue, watching my friends slowly mature and fall in love. Moving on. I feel lonely again, despite being in such a large group of friends.

I feel like I’m broken. Am I normal?

I’m now 12. I’ve realized my friends are trashy, they tell people stuff I told them secretly without asking, take advantage of me. I feel like they just take and take. I’m happy now, I found a great new friend. Alyson, She’s sweet and funny. Especially funny. We laugh all the time since we share every class.

She doesn’t ask me who I like, or who I have eyes on.

But nonetheless, I have also found something out. I have a crush. He's cute and goofy. I like his voice, I like how he has this very close humor with his friends, and I’m excited. I can finally be normal like everyone else. I still have a friend in the old friend group, Avery.

She’s okay, I want to tell her my crush.

She at first was surprised at my choice. Though, Her old crushes were bad. Mine is better, She admits that.

She accepts it, happy for me. I am happy now. I am okay.

I’m now 13. I regret telling her.

Avery told her boyfriend, and she told the old friend group. They all know. They all now know. One of them even is friends with him. Oh god, I can’t breathe.

I hate her. I told her privately, I told her in secret. I remember being there for her– Listening to her rant about everyone she says are her friends and how she truly despises them, I listened when she vented about her home life no matter what, I was there when she was in every slump, I was there when that same friend group left her.

WHY COULDN’T SHE BE THE SAME? I TRUSTED HER.

I lie to her, as bitter as it is falling from my tongue.

“I don’t like him anymore. I was wrong.”

I don’t want to risk it. I want to cry, I could feel the trust between us shatter. I did like him still, but I guess I can’t tell anyone about it now.