I screwed myself over by diagnosing myself with autism

I have written on here before about my doubts regarding being autistic. Right now, I have a lot on my mind about this topic. So, it's time to let those thoughts out.

Disclaimer: Despite what you may read in this post, I don't believe being autistic is a bad thing. Indeed, I know some wonderful people who are on the autism spectrum. I'm writing this because I want to discuss my negative experience with autism self-diagnosis. I am aware some people rely on a self-diagnosis because they are struggling with life and want to understand themselves better, but can't get a formal diagnosis due to a lack of resources and support, and to avoid stigmatization. If you are in this situation and are self-diagnosing autism, be aware that you do so at your own risk. You'll also notice I won't say for certain that I have OCD, even though I strongly suspect that I do. That's because I have yet to receive a formal OCD diagnosis, and I don't want to say I have it until then. I made a mistake in self-diagnosing autism, I don't want to make that mistake with OCD.

When I was a child, I did have some symptoms that could be construed as being autistic, such as some shyness (especially with adults), echolalia, restricted interests, problems managing uncertainty and resistance to change, hyperlexia, dysgraphia, and sensory issues- especially noise sensitivity and certain smells. Sure, these traits are "autism like", but I don't believe I had autism. I did engage with my peers, and I had empathy. Sometimes, I was a bit socially awkward, but that awkwardness dissipated with exposure and familiarity. Things seemed pretty good, until I started developing what I now recognize as likely OCD symptoms: intrusive thoughts with disturbing content, compulsions to try and neutralize those thoughts, scrupulosity, and possible social OCD, which made me obsessed with correct and "mature" behavior. Not knowing what OCD was, I had no idea what I was actually going through, so it negatively affected my emotional state.

One day, on what was likely a bad OCD day, I had an emotional outburst due to my intense anxiety. My older sister then told me that I was autistic because she thought what I was going through was an autism meltdown. I was devastated when I was told that. I secluded myself for several days, thinking I could never trust neurotypicals. My social skills had been improving until then, but after being told I was autistic I stopped being as sociable as I had been before and my social skills stagnated. I spent the next 9 years living (avoiding) life like I was autistic; it made my social anxiety worse because I feared I wouldn't understand social cues, and I feared having an autism meltdown in front of people. I became more inflexible with my activities because I wanted to avoid having a meltdown. I made it a point to prevent people (especially neurotypicals, but I did this to people in general) from getting too close to me because I didn't want them to think I was autistic. I was afraid to get a job, join student organizations in college... I just became so inflexible and restricted in the activities I engaged in because I didn't think I could handle anything more than what I was used to. I was so hampered in my life. Most people with social anxiety make great strides in improving their condition when they are in their 20s. I didn't, because believing I had autism made me think "this is how I am, there's nothing I can do about it." I felt absolutely powerless and hampered in my life.

So what made me stop thinking I was autistic? Several things, actually. I noticed that I lack certain traits that are often seen in autistic individuals, such as monotropism (a neural processing style that directs all focus to just a few topics), alexithymia (difficulty recognizing one's own emotional state and naming emotions), special interests, and prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing faces). Plus, I have noticed that I handle social interactions just fine when I don't feel anxious: I pick up on social cues just fine, and can participate in the normal flow of conversation. I do have some social awkwardness, but it fades with exposure and familiarity. Now that I no longer believe I have autism, I feel like I can trust myself again. It's going to be a long road to deprogram myself from the self-diagnosis, but I know I can do it.