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I know that things happen in everyone's life and I'm no exception. But I have never got a space or a place where I'm comfortable to share it. Then I found her, can't say I went after her, but she came to me, like a gift from god or the universe.
In the beginning, I knew it may not last, but as days went by our love grew, and I thought she was the person, the special someone I could share my deepest fears, and insecurities, a person who understood me. I never thought this day might come from then onwards. But here it is the days I feared the most.
I felt the pain as if my heart just wanted to leave me, couldn't control my emotions. For a while, I lost control over myself. I lost the one person with whom I shared my day my nights my dreams my love. I understand that I shouldn't have given up my control over me. I understand that allowing them to break my boundaries for the sake of love is not something I could pay for.
I don't think there is a part in her that asks for me now, think about me, and it hurts knowing that the person whom I saw as my life, the person I called my love my life my whole world, the person whom I would have done anything to keep her happy, that person is fine knowing that it hurts me.
I get that, the same universe that gifted that beautiful life to me, my love, is taking back it from me maybe for a reason. I know that I was not at my best in the last couple of months, I was completely lost as she broke my boundaries and I lost my temper as I was constantly at war with my life, my thoughts, and my actions as I was driven mad by her doing.
I know that a person like me deserves better. Even after several times it was shown to me she was crossing limits I neglected it as for me she was more important than my ego. told me things that hurt me more than twice and now when I realize it I understand it.
But the real issue is that I still can't get over her. maybe it's because I have no other option to engage myself with anything to cope with the break-up as I am preparing for an examination that is coming, only then after attending it I can get into the next course that I like. If the classes have started I hope it would give me the break I need. But the thing is that it would take at least 2 more months for the class to start, and until then I have no clue what to do. Even though I have friends, how much can they help me in this alone time?
I have learned to spend my time with myself and started listening to podcasts, taking care of myself, and finding peace by myself. But still, I think about her, feels like going to her for the love which I used to get when she used to treat me like a priority.
This hurts the most : knowing that she is fine even when she know she is hurting me.
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ReplyIn my humble experience, life is too short to dwell on romantic love that for whatever reason did not thrive, and romantic love is always around the corner season after season and arrives when we least expect if we are physically and emotionally available, and we are out there living life. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and always.
And after our worst deeds - never forget God forgives us when we repent through Christ Jesus.
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