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I hope to write all the things I could never share with anyone, the things that make me scared of myself and being alone. Sometimes I think, what if I tell you everything and you too want to let go of me?
Why do I fear so much about the future while living in the present? The fear of having a friend and telling them everything. I fear human contact, the emotions, the kindness. I think I don't deserve it.
Always, I'm in search of someone who can understand me. When someone approaches, I close the door. Even if I like their company, I fear they will leave me in the future. I have spent my whole life being away from people when all I wanted was to stay with them. I'm scared of excitement, scared of enjoyment, that I'll get attached to it so much I cannot let it go.
Sometimes I feel I shouldn't write; it makes my head hurt and question my emotions. Why am I feeling this? I cannot be this weak.
Why do we have to please everyone and smile even though I'm dying inside? Why, for others, do we have to pretend to be happy? What are we doing right now? Why are we not content with ourselves, with what we are doing? Why is it always a run? Why can't we stop and breathe for a moment, just for a while? Why are we our own murderers? We have killed the person we used to be, killed our own joy, and complain about the sadness we bestowed upon ourselves.
Why can't we say words that are so easy but sound incommunicable in our head? Why do we think people have different meanings and will misinterpret us? Why is it so inexplicable that I sometimes couldn't understand, which makes me feel I don't deserve to be here? Why do they make me ashamed of myself? For me, it's a low, and after every low, someone screams inside, "How low?"
-j
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ReplyIf you believe in God and pray to Him you won't be scared as He will comfort you.
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