A letter to my Sperm Donor

Dear Biological Father,

You left me. You abandoned me. I was a child who needed you there, and you left me. You had already mentally checked out by the time you left Mom and I, but god damn, did it hurt. I remember being five years old and feeling anxious for the first time. Mom and I had just finished cleaning the house, and I was terrified that you two would fight again. Anxiety in a five-year-old, that's the power you had over me. I knew that if I made too much noise or clung to you too much, you would get mad at me. "I'm sweaty. It's too hot. I just sat down. Could you not be so loud?" To a five-year-old who hadn't seen her father in weeks? A clingy child at that. Then the fighting would start, and I would rush to my room and hide in my corner. The corner I deemed my crying corner after constantly running over there when you would be home. It makes me laugh now as an adult, but as a child, I was terrified.

You fucked me up mentally and emotionally. Even after I had someone who was there for me, talent shows, dance recitals, horse shows, and sports games, even though I sucked at sports and everything I did, he was there, but I was still waiting for him to leave me as you did. I'm an adult now, but I still feel like that little girl wanting her dad to come and hold her when she was sick, support her at a talent show, and be a decent human being. I got that, but it sure wasn't from you. Hell, I got an upgrade, actually. Your leaving me was the best thing you ever did for me, but I won't thank you because you don't deserve the validation. I remember being so angry at you as I grew up and blaming you for everything I went through. Depression, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, self-harm, everything was your fault. The fact that when you found out I needed anti-depressants, your first suggestion was having me walk my ass down to Sonic and get a job to pay for them. I was thirteen.

Then you got a new girlfriend, but the way you introduced us was so backward and fucked up, and I called you out on it. You had her message your 15-year-old daughter on Facebook, but I didn't like talking to strangers. It's ironic now since I've never met half of my friend group. You told me she was your friend when I asked you about it. A few months later, I met her, and you told me she was more than your friend, to which I replied with my knowledge. I knew who she was because you had never introduced me to any of your friends. We were at the mall, and I was getting new glasses, which caused another fight between us. You thought I was mad I couldn't get Transition lenses, but really I just wanted to go home and bitch about you to mom. When we were done with the appointment and waiting for the actual glasses, your girlfriend took me to my favorite stores, seemingly to buy my affection. I was never money-hungry like you were. I was never able to be bought. At the end of the day, Mom and I sat on her bed and talked shit about you and the new girl with her son.

A year later you were engaged and telling me about the wedding. It was going to be in Vegas, and I was invited but didn't go. Yes, Vegas would've been fun, but not with the three of you. Plus, I knew once the step came into your life, I would be tossed to the side, which is exactly what happened. I stopped talking to you because I got tired of being the one who put the most energy and effort into our relationship, so I ended contact. I had seen the step thing twice when Grandpa died. I was a wreck. I kept going back and forth on whether I was attending the funeral. I mean, you would be there, but so was he. It would be the last time I saw him. I sucked it up and went there with my uncle because there was no way in hell I would ride with you. We ended up speaking for the first time in a while, and by speaking, I mean we got into a screaming match outside of the funeral home. That was the day my relationship with your new wife ended because she had the audacity to call me selfish and accuse me of only coming down to yell at you when you were having a rough time. As if I wasn't? I had just lost my grandpa, probably the closest person on your side of the family that I was talking to, but I was the selfish one. Yeah, okay.

I would've punched her if I wasn't scared of getting in trouble. I went home after that, and I could barely breathe on the three-hour car ride back to where I lived. I was crying so hard. My uncle wanted to beat your ass, and he's a pacifist. Do you know how hard you have to fuck up to piss off a pacifist? You were always really good at pushing people's buttons.

That was the last time we spoke for 8 years. I wish it were longer. I had to see you last year but wasn't mentally prepared. It had been so long since I talked to you that I forgot how you sounded, but I enjoyed how your wife always seemed timid and nervous around me. Knowing I had that power was nice. I wasn't going to do anything, but seeing her so timid after the last time I saw her made me happy. I had an allergic reaction, and you finally picked that time to play father. Only took you 20 years. I hope I don't have to see you again anytime soon. I guess I should end this letter.

In Regards,

Go fuck yourself.