A Tyrannical Father and an Unloving Mother

My father was a tyrant in our house. Everyone obeyed him without question and everyone was afraid of him, including my mother, although she never wanted to admit to it. I remember being beaten at 5 years old for not sharing food and toys with my younger brother. My father locked me in my room all day and told me and my mother I wasn't allowed to eat that day and then left to work. My mother didn't go behind his back and feed me. Then at dinner, he made me watch as the rest of them ate dinner.

As I got older things got worse. I was forbidden from crying ever, so when I would get hurt as I child I tried desperately not to cry, but when I got caught once for crying, my father hit me. As I got older and started using the computer more, I would use chat rooms and other things popular in the 90's to speak to friends on. He caught me once and threatened to beat me if he found out I was talking to boys. By this time, I had begun to notice that maybe this wasn't right, that maybe he and my mother were wrong. My mother would never stop him from doing anything. I began to notice my mother didn't care at all when I sat on the small sofa next to him in his office and the sofa slid and he barked at me to get off. While his co-worker was still in the office I told him sorry, and to relax. After his co-worker left, he slammed me against his desk and yelled at me that I was making him look stupid in front of co-workers and friends. I asked her why she never stood up for me. She told me that he's my father, he can do want he wants and that she wasn't going to start a fight with him for no reason. He also never wanted to spend any time with me, although I would ask him always to go to coffee or dinner or something to maybe save our relationship. No, he preferred going out with his 20-year-old co-worker.

I worked with my father from 16 years old. He often showed me affection there, in front of his employees. There wasn't much between us at home, unless he was angry at me. At this age I was also very depressed and often thought of suicide, and attempted many times over the span of 3 years. I also couldn't control my anger. I would snap at my brothers, my mother and other people for the little things.

When I went to college I had a few scholarships and wanted to go out of state. Eventually, I left and went back barely every 3 months. My father was pleased with me, truly.

After I graduated I went to work. I haven't seen either of my parents since I graduated college. I saw them at my wedding and they asked why I never went home anymore. They think I've forgotten the emotional and physical abuse I suffered. I haven't spoken to my father in 2 years. My brothers told me he's been trying to get in contact and doesn't know why I won't speak to him. After my brother's told him what I believe, he denied ever hurting me and that everything he did I deserved, and it was my fault. He thinks I should have been afraid of him as a child.