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Dear L,
I love you. I've loved you for years. I've loved you through every smile and through every tear. The day we broke up I didn't cry in front of you, actually I never cried in front of you--at least never about us or our relationship. But the moment I hung up the phone I think something broke in me. I've never sobbed so hard, screamed so hard, felt so much pain. After that day I didn't believe in a difference between physical and emotional pain because everything in me hurt and I swear if I wasn't so young I would've thought I was having a heart attack. The smart decision would have been to cut off contact with you and let myself heal, but you know I didn't do that. We called the very next day and pretended that everything was fine. I went back to being your best friend and I figured that having you in my life like this was better than nothing. I could pick myself back up around you and let myself continue breaking in secret. Problem is that it wasn't in complete secret since everyone but you knew how much I hurt. My sister thinks I'm stupid for staying hung up on you and for not giving you a piece of my mind when you treat me like I'm everything one day and the next like nothing. I told her you don't know any better because it's the truth. You don't know any better because I never told you. I never told you that I needed a break from us talking so I could heal. I never told you that I was jealous and hurt when you said there was this new girl in your class you were crushing on. I never told you that I was still in love with you except I know that you know because why else would you still drive over an hour to see me? Why else would you take me out to eat and go on a walk in the park for hours with me? And why else would you kiss me like I was still yours if you didn't know I still loved you? For almost four years we had distance as an excuse to not be together and in one month we won't. So tell me...is anything going to change when I live 10 minutes away or are we going to continue pretending like we're just best friends? Either way I love you...whether you ever loved me or not.
Sincerely,
E
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