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I’ve been with my spouse for 20+ years. Since the first night he touched me, no one else has. Not so much as a kiss, or a hand hold from anyone else, nothing. I cannot say the same for him. He’s cheated multiple times in the past. All the while I knew it, and he would just make me think I was crazy, or being insecure. We had kids. As a girl raised in a home with a single mom, I really wanted my kids to have both parents. So I stayed. I stayed, and I behaved myself. I never cheated back on him. Two wrongs not making a right and all that. When it got outrageous and he started fucking my “friends” I left him. I took the kids and went to my mom’s for like 8 months. I was beyond devastated, heartbroken would be an understatement. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop crying. I lost 40 pounds from the stress. I was so small, size 0 was falling off me. Frankly, I wanted to die. He kept calling. I wouldn’t speak to him. At first, he was angry. Left threatening messages about how he was going to kill me if I didn’t call him, or pick up the phone and talk to him. I ignored him the best I could, while people would come to tell me about shit he was doing. The females he would have at (what was) our house, and playing me songs he made for other women about how much he was into them and wanted to marry them. He didn’t want me. But, he didn’t want anyone else to have me, either. He drove all my friends away, either by being extremely mean to them, or seducing them. Until I was all alone, with no one but him to talk to. He disappeared for a week with no warning, less than a month after I had his baby. Left me with nothing but a bunch of bills and no money. The lights got cut off, I called and called him, but he wouldn’t answer the phone. Finally, he comes back and when he walks in the door the first thing he says to me is “Don’t ask me shit, we’re not together anymore. I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore.” That’s when I left. I mean shit, you don’t have to tell me twice. That’s when I went to my moms. She didn’t have cable or anything, so I literally sat there and watched the same 2 DVDs that were available over and over again. “300” and “BIG.” I never want to see either of those movies again, which sucks cuz I really liked Big. After about 8 months when he couldn’t get ahold of me, he just snuck up on me at my moms one night. His tone was different. He missed me, he loved me, he fucked up, he was sorry. And I, like a dumbass, let him seduce me. Also, like a dumbass, allowed him raw. He gave me chlymidia or however tf you spell that. Fuckin broke me all over again. When I called to tell him what he did and that he needed to go to the doctor, he blamed me. Which would have worked out, I suppose l, if I had been with anyone else, only I hadn’t. After that, he “came to his senses” a bit. Wanted to come back to me. Or wanted me to come back, rather. Started going over the top out of his way to do nice things to help me with the kids and whatever we needed. I went back to him. It was fine for awhile, then he cheated me again. I was so blind with rage, I was going to kill him this time. But, I decided to do myself instead. Failed miserably. Glad I failed. The older we got, the more he began to mature. Stopped cheating as far as I know, and if he still was, he was being ultra discreet about it. He put me through hell and back more times than I care to admit to myself. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to marry him anymore. I waited 10 years until I just gave up the notion. Then at year 21 he decides he’s ready to get married, but I didn’t want to. I stalled as long as I could. But we live together. So, he made a point to make my life miserable until I agreed to marry him. There was no wedding, there was no honeymoon, there was no dressing up, cake, or celebration. My mom wasn’t even there. We had 1 witness, and I got a local gas station cashier to sign as the other witness on my way home. He said the marriage was a “business deal.” It made me feel sick. He basically just married me to protect his assets from his mother in case anything happened to him. In an argument shortly after, he somehow had the mind to string together the words “FUCK YOUR LOYALTY.” I can’t get those 3 little words out of my head. Fuck my loyalty? I’ve wasted myself on this man. I know that. Recently, he saw someone that I had relations with before I even met him. Before I even KNEW he even existed. And that’s a problem. Now he’s giving me the energy like I’ve been fucking around on him. And you know what? I’m tired, man. I’m tired of being so good, just to be treated like I’ve been bad. I want to run away. I want to be alone. I don’t want to be with anyone ever again. If I could just go live somewhere by myself and be FREE!!!!! But, I can’t. He just reminded me 2 nights ago that if I ever left him he would kill me. He said it “jokingly”, but I’m not stupid. He meant it. He would never let me be happy, alone or with anyone else as long as he’s not getting his way with me. He leaves me alone all the time, often on the phone talking to everyone but me. Won’t even ask how my day was, just talks about his. But he still wants me to fuck, and cook, and clean like everything’s just fine. The only way I can be free is if I die. That’s truly how I feel. But I don’t want to hurt my kids, or my mom. So, I’m stuck like this. Until God sees fit to mercifully stop my broken heart from beating. All I can do is wait for that moment. It’s all I can do.
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