What's on my mind and what i need help with

I'm now going to college, i already reserve my slot for a course fits for my strand but not for me. It's fine but just dissapointing cuz it isn't what i wanted. I don't really have a choice and the right to complain since i just asked someone for a favor to get me in the school that i didn't got accepted to. But this isn't about that, althougth it is a part of it.

Uhm... this is about how lost i felt the moment I graduated. Actually, I've been worrying about it eversince I started my senior year but the moment i graduated, I feel like everything is spiralling down. I constantly worry about my future. I know it is normal but it really feel shitty feeling it every damn time whenever my mind isn't distracted.

I worry bout my future, I worried about how everything will turn out, I'm worried bout if I can get through it, if I can handle it and I'm worried about being useless. I tried to make myself feel better about it, I did make a lil plan after graduating that I would prepare my document and find a summer job while I'm on vacation or if won't able to get in to the school that i'm applied for. In that way i could help my family a lil financially. But yeah, Didn't go as planned and I'm pretty bumb out about it because i already told my cousin and uncle, now it's really embarassing you know. There isn't a day that won't think about how useless am I. I just sleep, eat and do lil house chores then i would hear my parents complaning about how their gonna pay the bills, debts and where would they get money to put food on our table. Hearing that everytime really makes me feel useless. That's why I am always looking up jobs online that i could do or fits me but always gets turn down since i lack requirements. I did try to get them but my mom stopped me since she said it wasn't our priority now and that it would cause money and time. So i am pretty much holed up in the house and cause of that as well I think I am fallen to a lil depressive episode.

I would always feel heavy at my chest. This often happens at night or after an argument, at times whenever I'm not doing anything meaningful that i won't be engrossed to. I would feel that heavy feeling at my chest and my body would feel tired all of a sudden even if i hadn't done anything physically tiring. Whenever I feel that, I always wanted to cry my eyes out or even brawl it out cuz I think that would make me feel better. But instead I can't, I physically can't cry, so i would curl up in the floor cuz the bed doesn't feel comforting, I mean the floor isn't either but i think it is better than the bed at the moment or i would sit on the floor as well hugging my knees in silence, staring blankly at nothingness. Whenever this happens I would seek out a hug from someone, I mean just thinking of someone embracing tight or I wish to experience to hug my father again like I used to when I was little. I am not very good with words or expressing my feelings so talking to someone would make me feel better, I'll just feel like a hypocrite cuz surely everybody got something way more serious things that their going through right now.

I don't have the energy to do anything cuz I always felt tired even though I slept through the whole day. And, sleeping is an escape for me. Being in a none existent world is much more interesting than the reality. Living someone else's life for a moment feels comforting and would I always wish not to be brought back to reality.

I am snappy with people that cause arguments. Okay.. Okay... I'm struggling with this and I know it's wrong but I got so used to it that I don't know how to stop doing it now. I have become an abusive person, someone that i hated so much and now I have become like them. I don't know when it started but I know what cause it. Whenever my younger sibling would annoy me, I would yell at them, pinch them, smack them hard with my handor clothes hanger, pull their hair, throw things that would get my hands on, push them, kick them.... It's fucking fucked up... I'm fucked up.....I fuckin deserve to die cuz who would do such things like that... I'm messed up....

I would only regret it after I did it, but still...

I got so used to it that I would do it uncounciously like whenever they become really loud and all over the house, I would just smack them right away and yell at them till they cry. This already traumatize them. Now I am controlling myself, I have myself locked up in my room till i calm down so i won't take it out on them, I try to say sorry after that to but It doesn't make up for the damage I have already/will cause them. I'm working bit by bit to stop it from happening but I always wish to turn back time and for me to just dissapper so they won't have to go through with this. Everything is wrong with me, fucking new it.