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I love how you’re acting like it’s my fault and trying to push me away because of it. You can push me away all you want, because I’m done hanging on. Be mad at me, because I don’t care about your toxicity anymore. You never stopped to care if I was doing alright, you never stopped to care if maybe I want to die on the inside. I hurt myself, and the first thing you said was, “Well why were you running?” The ONE thing I needed in that moment was “Oh, are you okay?” That was the ONE thing that I would’ve been thinking about for the entire day. It would’ve made me so happy. It would’ve made me want to keep being friends with you. But nope, just like I expected you tried to blame it on me. You try to blame everything on me. Like how you blamed my own bullying ON ME. It’s not as easy as, “Just go to the counselor.” Because nobody knows how I hate myself, and I’ve kept it hidden away for so long. Because I don’t want people to worry about me. My life is a burden to myself and you. “Without you, my life would be perfect.” Is what you’re trying to say, huh? Because of course, I looove being hated. You want to cut me off so bad, but I’m hanging on for a sign, for a little bit of sympathy. But I never seem to get it. Never from my family or friends. Because no one ever stops to care, especially you. If you don’t fix yourself, I won’t delete this. I’ll write it again a thousand times over to keep you from underestimating me again. I have to please everyone or else I have nothing. I wish so badly I didn’t have to delete this. I wish so badly that you didn’t make me hate myself. Be kind to me. And you’re going to try to convince yourself that you’re in the right. And you’re not. “Without you, my life would be perfect.” And maybe I won’t be there next year. Maybe I’ll end this vicious cycle of me second guessing our every move. Everyone’s every move. I want to kill myself, but I know that I can’t. Because I’m a coward. I hold onto the moments where someone IS interested in the things I do. Where they do care. One of these moments was when you said, “Wow! That’s a great picture. How’d you take it?” Because you actually CARED. This was the first compliment that I’ve gotten from a friend in MONTHS. And I thought about that for an entire day. It made me so happy. I remember how I laughed out loud and smiled wider than I had in a while. I know you’re trying to be a good person, but you’ve never experienced a person like me. I’m different than the straight, cis, happy, clean people that you were grown up around. And you aren’t comfortable with that. When half the world wants you to die for being who you are, it makes you want to die. I will never be accepted fully. By ANYONE. I wish I only liked guys so much. But then I would miss out on Zoe. And I don’t want to do that. She is the one who compliments me, she is the one who is sympathetic. After my fall, she was the one spamming my computer wondering if I was okay. She’s the one who will actually joke around with me, and not think that I’m trying to make fun of her. Because I don’t want to make fun of anyone. I’m bad at reading social cues, so it’s hard for me to figure out if you’re joking or not. And guess what? You blamed that on me, too. You might not have known, but you should be more cautious of what is coming out of your mouth. I cry myself to sleep every night because I don’t know if I accidentally offended you or someone else. That is my greatest fear. Being hated. And you’re trying to blame that on me. That hurts, you know?
Guys, should I tell her this?
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