I’ll always love her even if she never will

I always dreamt of finding my “prince charming”.

Since I was in kindergarten I always found boys fascinating but not in the way you would expect.

I didn’t really want to be seen by boys I just wanted to hang out with them, dress like them…

During middle school all the girls in my class would have crushes on the boys but I didn’t.

When my friends asked me if I had a crush I would always say no.

I kept saying no until I realized I was in my sophomore year of high school and haven’t had a crush yet.

But one day, my friend explained to me what a crush was.

When she described the feeling of crushing on someone it suddenly came to me that I’m familiar with that feeling.

“but i feel like that when I want to be friends with someone very bad” I thought to myself.

“i felt it when i wanted to be friends with A(female), and with Z(female), and with T(female)…”

“Oh. Maybe I’m… no! what the hell am i thinking there is noway I’m like that” saying to myself every time I thought about liking girls.

But then I met her.

After a long summer of not going out my friend invites me to go out with her friends.

As she takes me to meet them all my eyes could look at was one girl.

She has long curly black hair and tan skin and she smelled like roses and vanilla.

As the others greeted me she was too busy looking at her boyfriend.

I don’t even think she saw me there that day.

I didn’t want to accept the fact that I found her to be the most beautiful girl I had ever seen so I pushed the idea of her away.

2 years went by and I start a new job.

As I go into my first meeting I can’t believe my eyes.

It’s her. It’s that girl. It’s been two years and I still see no one but her in this room filled with people.

But of course I’m too shy, too scared to approach her.

Our friend at work invites us to her birthday.

“It’s my opportunity to get to know her. as friends of course because thats what I want just to be her friend … right?” I think to myself

I go into the party and she greets me with a joyful “hi” because she recognizes me from work.

We spend the next two weeks together. We have so much in common. We feel comfortable together.

Winter rolls around and we fade apart.

I see her again with a boy. A boy I’m familiar with.

As i go to say hi to him she introduces him as her boyfriend.

my heart fell to my stomach.

but why? we’re just friends right? Am I jealous?

We reconnect immediately hanging out every day, texting, laughing it felt like I had known her my whole life.

Even though I saw her every second of everyday every time I would blink and look back at her the butterflies in my stomach would go crazy.

I had come to terms with it.

I’m in love with this girl.

I’m so in love with her it hurts.

One day we’re sitting together and we have a conversation about girls liking girls.

She says “my family would never accept that I think it’s a sin”

That’s when life suddenly seemed dark.

I felt stupid.

I wasted 3 years of my life thinking she would one day feel the same but I was dumb and in love.

And I guess that’s what love is right? Love is a dumb feeling that gives you hope everyday.

And the worst part is I still love her and I will love her forever even if she never will.