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Trying things off my mind but I CANT (I'm just a freshmen with horrible life experiences)
7 years ago · 3 · School, +8
1404
I am a 14 year old freshmen girl. So right now my parents are in a divorce which my family besides my dad are really happy about. My dad is a pervert who did disgusting things to one of us which made us hate him even more. Every year we used to visit our family in Asia for Christmas or New Years.. But my father would ruin all the fun by getting us to sleep on New Years and putting us in a hotel without visiting our family then go back to America. Seriously what's the fun in that when we're just going to go there just to sleep through New Years and Christmas without visiting family. Even my family who we were supposed to visit hate him and are afraid of him because when we visit them in summer time my dad would force them to do things. He always forces us to do things. All of us feel trap and he's the one who's trapping us. He is also abusive. I finally convinced my mom to divorce him. She didn't want to because we needed money. Then my dad got kicked out of the house. My mom has our temporary custody. Now my dad is trying to get out full custody(WHICH I DONT WANT) For now my siblings and I have visitation with him but I'm the only one who can refuse to go because I am the one's who's not most close to him. During the time I was convincing my mom to divorce him was the time I dropped out of school(7th grade). Why? Because I couldn't take living with him anymore and video games cheered me up and took my stress away but not 100%. I became really distant from my family because of the video games, but at the same time, I always thought about my home country and my family there. I cried every night, thinking that I won't see my real home ever again. I also cried for what disgusting thing my dad has done to one of my siblings. It was unbelievable. I was locked in my room everyday skipping meals and usually snuck for food every night. I felt like dying.. because I wanted the suffering to stop. My dad would always bang on my door and sometimes he picked the lock and got into my room and grabbed all my video games(my source of cheering up) then hid them. He even tackled me for it which made my shoulders and back hurt real bad. Then my mom knew something was wrong with me because of the negative instagram posts I posted. She scolded me and tried to help me cheer up every night by grabbing a snack at midnight and chat for a while. With my video games gone.. I can use my secondary thing to cheer me up, which was drawing because that is my talent. Then in one of the nights my mom and I were chatting I convinced her to divorce him. She did. I was slowly opening my self and stopping locking myself in my room but I still worry about my family in my real home every night even today. Soon my dad got kicked out and my mom has temporary custody. Yes I dropped out of 7th grade but I continued 8th grade. My dad refused to give us support which was money so my mom found another way to earn money. It wasn't a job thought. I'd rather not how she's earning money here but she's good at it. Though, it Wasn't enough. My siblings and I had visitation with him(which was mentioned earlier). Yes I refused to go. Even now I still don't go. Today, I'm now a freshmen and I'm doing horrible at school. Court hearing is coming up and my dad is asking for our school grades which is his weapon to win. I am afraid of his weapon because my siblings and I have horrible grades. I have never been able to get straight As/Bs. I always have horrible grades every year. I can't concentrate at class and I only have a few friends. They know that I'm the most dumbest one on our friends group. They call me stupid sometimes. Even thought it was meant for jokes it still hurts me because it's true. But maybe it's not if I can concentrate but I can't concentrate at all. I don't do a lot of homework because it gives me break downs. Especially math.. I gave up on that and every year I have an F- in it. Today I have 3 failed subjects, a D, B-, one some Cs, and probably just 1 or 2 As. I am done and I give up freshmen homework. I can concentrate at all. I would always fall asleep quizzes and tests then fail them. My best friend and classmates can see my scores which is embarrassing. But I shouldn't be embarrassed anymore if I don't give a crap anymore about my grades. Every time I try to do Homework I would shut down and break down for 3 hours. It already happened to me 4 times this week and I ended up trying to hide my tears while doing homework in my room. I am frustrated stressed, and distracted, and worry a lot when doing homework. This is how I breakdown. I hear many students say "Omg I was breaking down last night for 30 minutes on homework because it was taking forever to do, it was easy tho" and "I got a stupid B- on my quiz.. I'm so depressed right now" ... BUT LOOK AT ME DAMMIT I BREAK DOWN EVERY NIGHT THINKING OF FAMILY PROBLEMS, HOMEWORK, OF WHAT STUDENTS THINK OF ME, ABOUT WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN THE NEXT DAY OF SCHOOL, ABOUT WHAT MY TEACHERS ARE GOING TO REMIND ME AGAIN TO DO, ABOUT MY DAD'S VICTORY BECAUSE OF MY GRADES, ABOUT LIFE!! My mom, siblings, and I are trying to get out of America but we can't without permission of my father. He is obviously going to say no.. NO DOUBT OMFG!! So without winning the next hearing soon.. we have to wait until my siblings and I are 18. But then we might run out of money soon. My mom can't drive.. we use uber everyday to get my siblings and I to TWO DIFFERENT FRICKEN SCHOOLS!! YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR US!! OUT HOUSE IS A MESS!! WE ARE ALWAYS PARANOID!! I CAN TALK ALOT MORE THEN THIS BUT IM GETTING TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT THIS CRAP BECAUSE I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT IT IN MY MIND EVERYDAY.. I JUST DO IT FOR THE HECK OF IT AND TO RELIEVE STRESS BUT IT DOESNT SEEM TO WORK WHEN NO ONE IS GOING TO UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS FOR US!! ITS A CRUEL WORLD OUT THERE AND I FEEL LIKE IM IN HELL ON EARTH!!!
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ReplyIf you are still around, I am here to talk.
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