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Okay, so, it all started when i had to move from my hometown to a bigger city to go on a college. I have a really good connection with my family, but the problem is they are far away from here, and they are having hard time. Both of my parents are sick, so they can't come and spend some time with me. I can't go home very often because the ticket is pretty expensive. My mom had cancer and now she is recovering from everything, and my dad had several heart attacks. They are not that old, but they are far from being okay.
I have a best friend, she is studying in another city, which is also far from here, so we see each other in 2 or 3 months. She has a boyfriend and he is becoming my best friend number 2.
When i came here i thought i'll meet new people because this is the capital city of our country and i was going to a college for the first time. I met people, a lot of people, despite being an introvert. I had a girlfriend for a few months and realized i wasn't a lesbian, because i fell in love with a guy friend that i met in my class. So when we told each other how we felt we became a couple and we're still dating.
So, i made a few friends but i've never really got close with them because they have different interests. My boyfriend is really good with them, they like the same stuff, tv shows, comics and all. And i continued being around them and having their company just because i didn't want to be alone all the time. I live alone here and i don't like being most of the time.
My boyfriend and i have had some issues. I was in a lot of relationships before him and i kind of want to settle down so i haven't felt like i wanted to be with somebody else except him. And he is pretty childish. He hasn't had a lot of relationships before me, so i totally understand.
He started liking this other person a lot and i saw him changing... so i let him go and after a few months he came back and said he actually don't want to be with somebody else. So when he came back i was so frustrated and annoyed by him being friends with that person he liked let's call her Becky. And i was a pain in the ass. I know.
One day, a few weeks ago, i got a call from an unknown number and that person told me my boyfriend was going alone with Becky and that it's her birthday so she called him to get some drinks at her place. So, i was really angry at him for not telling me he was going. I called him and told i knew he was and told him so many awful things that i'm not proud of. Few days later, we talked. He didn't know they were going to be there alone, showed me some messages from her about that night. And i really don't know why, but i think it's because i don't want to be alone here in this city, i told him it's going to be alright and i forgave him.
Now everything is kind of okay, except i failed at college, i realized i don't like japanese language and i want to do something else, like painting. So, i've wasted 2- 3 years of my life at something i don't like, i am afraid of telling my mom and dad about not liking this and wanting to start with something that has no future - a college of fine and applied arts. I love my boyfriend, but i feel like he needs to go find something better or just be with different people. I have no friends that are here in this city. I can't talk with my best friend about problems right now, because i think she won't understand. I tried getting new friends, actually i met over a social media a person who paints and is kind of like me, but the person never showed he wanted to get to know me better. Every time i meet someone and i like them, they don't like me back. There is something wrong with me probably. I don't know. I am officially afraid of letting people in my life. Firstly, because the person won't like me, and secondly if the person stays they will hurt me. I am so tired of everything. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being pain in the ass. I am tired of being everyone's encumbrance. I am tired of this life. If i didn't have parents that love me and are pretty much supportive all the time i wouldn't be here i'd probably be dead. I had ups and downs before, but i've never been this low. Where i can't talk to anyone. Except, maybe my boyfriend (who has no time for anything except for college). But i actually don't want to be a burden because he has so much in his life right now. I draw a lot and paint but that doesn't help me much.
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