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Today is my school's orientation day. Where we find our new classes and get to know our teht for myself and everyone.
I would also get more time to spend alone with her. I just want to be free, but I know this is the last hurdle. The last time I'll have to second guess the safety of my 3-year plan. It's starting. My parents don't know what happened on the last day of school and I don't ever want them to know. I can't believe it's been 3 months since the incident. When I see classmates it's always a struggle. People from school always make fun of me, whisper things, or ask me questions. But that day was also the day I found the greatest human being I've met. She's the only person who doesn't judge me because she's going through the same. If not harder. Because she's been dealing with this for a year and I've only had it for three months.
I would do it all over again for her. But the real reason I'm scared of orientation is I'm scared that someone is going to talk about it in front of my parents. I hope we get some time when the parents go into a separate room - like what happened last time. So I can get a chance to set the record straight for myself and everyone.
And most people would say I'm hyping this up too much. "Oh, it's not a big deal, why are you so worried about it?" This plans my future. If it goes wrong it's not good for anybody. My last plan worked without a hitch and I forgot the plan was even starting that day. I had impeccable luck. "Oh, it's just the high school experience." Yeah, stuff like this happens all the time but my case is a little different. I wish things were different, but I know they can't be. I know I have to make this plan because it keeps this safe. Why can't the world just be a little different? This is the path to showing who I am. To my parents. And at the same time discovering myself which, sadly, a lot of people are stopped from doing. Because it is frowned upon at my school and in my house. I know I won't get physically hurt because that's not them. But I do know this school year could go with a plethora of embarrassing secrets and awkward realizations.
I know I'm gonna change. I've changed since last year. A lot. And I know I'm a stupid and weird person but I kinda like myself. There I said it. I like myself.
But I know I'm gonna change this year and I'm worried about it. I always come out of each school year as a completely different person. It was definitely true this year. 13-year-old me would be baffled to see what I've become.
And I'm proud of that.
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