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So I think I might be dumb. I often try to visualize words as they come along and hear people speak, but I struggle to even understand podcasts at 0.5x speed. I talked about the possibility that I might be autistic in a post, but it got deleted because the website stopped working for like a week. This is because recently I saw a streamer get diagnosed with autism, and that made me reflect on all the times I thought I had autism myself. Gonna mention a few things I have, like for example I can’t look people in the eyes, have bad sleeping habits, stress, anxiety, worries, burst of emotional responses, anger, OCD, really bad at socializing, difficulties learning, lack of attention, etc. I might not have anything worth diagnosing but then it just means I’m a terrible human being, and I can’t even blame my condition for how lackluster I am; I mean, not like I want to. So it’s very important to make sense of the world, for me… but when does it become ridiculous having to deal with so much contradiction, especially from other people? You know what I think would be beautiful and ideal? For people to realize that everything exists rightfully and righteously by own merit, and that we shouldn’t dictate what we think it’s right or wrong, because it is obvious that everything in reality has a degree of truth… and there are no such things as untrue things. How you go about it, makes all the difference. If you are aggressive or disagreeing of someone saying “I’m a pony,” then why do you care so much? Maybe it’s all a big construct, maybe it’s all about that individual’s happiness. Ponies are horse-like, they are made up for a reason. Everything has a reason or a purpose, and it has been this way since the beginning or forever. It was made clear since the beginning or forever that it doesn’t matter what you do or think, it is all supposed to connect one way or the other, and people fight over this because they ought to behave like that particular piece of thinking is the ultimate reality, but everything connects one way or the other… it’s sorta like a construct, but it’s based upon the whole foundations of existence. Lost my mind completely… sorry. This is because a lot of the reasons why I can’t understand are people behaving like they know the truth, like they are trying to sell me something, when I’m aware that to me reality is an interconnectedness of everything, and there are no such things as things that are untrue. To some extent, the whole point of trying to disprove someone saying “I am a pony” is to be mean, because if you think about it, space is all interconnected, and so everything might be what I would like to call “one” organism or thing being or living altogether, so if horses exist, ponies exist, someone is also a pony, because horses exist in the first place. I don’t trust people who rule everything out by “science” because science is known to create obsession and it only leads to someone obsessing so much over reality that they would eventually become “God.” Basically, I don’t trust anyone who tries to falsify me, because at the end of the day you are not better, you are just evil, or as evil. Someone being a pony might also not be what I would call “clear,” but if you really think about it, what are things? What are things made of? Why do we think in such close-minded ways, as to always think in black or white ways? Black or white way of viewing life was always so reductionist, like what matters to me the most is what we are made of or essentially if we all are basically made of the same stuff… and what is the drive we all share, like why do we have sentience at all; and by what are we made of, I am probably thinking in an atomic level scale… but what if we could simply live and exist altogether, without obsessing over the truth, or if existence would make more sense simply accepting it? Well, I believe living and existing to be more complicated than that. That’s how much I struggle to understand.
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