I can't go on this way.

This is the first time I've asked for help. I don't want her to see.

In order to explain this properly, I have to explain a few thing about myself and our family.

Our parents weren't, strictly speaking, prepared to be parents when we came along in 1982, and spent a lot of time saddled by their own personal issues (Mom's depresslon/likely bipolar/night job, Dad's anxiety/rough job/dominating parents) while having to deal with the two little humans that they brought into this world.

As a result, though we were always decently provided for and they did their best to show they loved us, they were often pretty short-tempered and Dad was frankly rude and patronizing to us, even when we were children. They would even lose their tempers and get physically abusive on rare occasions--more with me than with her.

They didn't have a lot of time or patience to really teach us how to survive outside the house, either.

Couple this with the fact that were were both bullied severely from the word "go" all the way through middle school, with no real emotional support from the teachers or system.

Because of all this stress, I admit I was a pretty rotten brother, bullying, full of cutting remarks about her appearance...I came to regret it in high school and tried to change but it was too late.

As a result, my sister and I both sort of broke in different directions.

I became depressed, anxious, and the difficulties I had expressing myself and dealing with people became greatly exaggerated. Sometimes I wonder if I might be a bit bipolar. I grew up anxious, nervous, paranoid about leaving the house except to walk to my (crappy) job, mistrustful, severely depressed, lacking the self-esteem to.

My issues coupled with a couple of bad incidents led to me being unable to bring myself to learn to drive. I would go into a panic just being behind the wheel. As such I never left my family home.

Sister, according to her psychiatrists later in life, developed Bipolar Disorder, anxiety, depression. She grew up having screaming fights with us over the smallest things. I eventually retreated into my room whenever she got like this, which didn't help because the walls are paper thin and my door didn't lock.

I spent my entire life walking on eggshells around three unstable people, never sure if something I would say ordo would set them off, retreating into myself unable to trust anyone.

All my life there was been an unspoken double standard. She got to act like two cats stuck in a bag to my parents, got to do afterschool clubs without being yelled at for being an inconvenience, got to say and do things that would get me smacked in the face or yelled at.

At some point around high school, we all kind of grew up a little. My father realized how badly he'd screwed up with us and eased up. I realized how badly I'd screwed up my relationship with her. I tried to treat her better but like I said, too late.

Somewhere around my 34rd birthday (2016), I began developing ALK+ lung cancer but partly due to my own depression issues I blew off the symptoms and thought it was a number of different things until over a year later in 2018 when I couldn't take the pain anymore. When I finally came in they gave me three to sex months, but thanks to my awesome oncologist I've been able to live over six years. Now I'm on cancer drugs, painkillers, and mood stabilizers that leave my head a bit foggy and confused, but at least my depression has a floor to fall to.

This came just after I learned that my mother has vascular dementia.

Since then, my father and I have actually been able to rebuild our relationship. He takes care of things I'm too scatter-brained (particularly nowadays) and drives me places.

I'm barely making $900 a month in disability

After she got a graduate degree a few years back, she ended up with a decent-paying, slightly stressful, job that finally allowed her to move out of the house. Then she racked up $12000 in debt and her landlords jacked up her rent so she came back to live with us.

When she was living in her own apartment, she'd visit for a few hours every day, read things that supported her political opinions loudly, and denigrate my father and I for having opposing opinions. Dad and I would chuckle when she left.

I think my father's broken, frankly. He lets her walk all over him and verbally beats him down

The worst part is, 80% percent of the time she's a fundamentally good person. She cooks for us, she buys fast food for us. She has a bunch of friends she's managed to keep through high school and college. She's funny, clever, kind. I'm pretty sure the meds they have her on are doing something.

I'm grateful for the things she does for Dad and I, but I don't want them at the cost of having to put up with her walking all over us.

If she does something I don't like and I tell her, I'm being 'passive-aggressive'.

She goes on at least one incredibly expensive vacation a year in spite of being deeply in debt, but I'm 'irresponsible'.

If I express a political opinion she disagrees with I'm evil, If she expresses a view I disagree with I'm a selfish monster who wants to see children die.

If she does something for us, we're ungrateful if we don't immediately thank her. If we do something for her, we didn't do the way SHE wants and we should know better.

I'm trying to sleep because my condition and my drugs make me tired? "I don't HAVE an inside voice! You KNOW that!"

If I post a joke on her timeline, I'm trying to EMBARRASS her!

If she loses her temper and says mean things it's because she's under a lot of stress and has a mental condition, But clearly I'm not in the same boat, right? So if I lose my temper and say mean things--No, if I so much as express an opposing opinion to hers, I'm being unreasonable, hateful, patronizing, ungrateful again. She's NEVER been ANYTHING but kind and considerate toward ME, right?

I've apologized for the way I treated her when we were kids over and over but she's decided that I'm not sorry, so I guess I'm not. After all, she can read minds and knows exactly what I'm thinking and all my motivations.

She has no self-awareness. She accuses me of things she allows herself to do freely, she contradicts herself in the same conversation without realizing it.

Every time I try to talk through our issues I'm UNREASONABLE and it's all MY fault!

Don't get me wrong, I understand bipolar disease is nasty. I understand that she's under a lot of stress. She has a job she hates, she sees having to move back in as a setback, just like me she's still dealing with the scars of her upbringing and the pain of seeing our mother slip away.

All I ever wanted for her was a live a happy, peaceful life doing what she enjoys. I tried so hard to convince her when she was in grad school that coming back to this city on a permanent basis was going to make her miserable and now she's miserable and it's clearly our fault.

I recognize I'm just plain no good. I can't connect with anyone. I never leave the house except for doctor visits and very occasional shopping trips with Dad. I can't leave my home on my own. My head is too scattered, I don't trust myself to be able to take care of myself. I'm too rooted here mentally. I can't drive. Some days I'm too tired to get out of bed. I'm weak and empty and deformed inside.

I don't know what to do. I don't want any of this. Not a single bit of it. I don't want her charity if it means she can pay off her debts, I don't want her charity is she's going to weaponize it against me. I don't want to visit my mother because I'm scared she won't recognize me. I can't even talk to Dad anymore unless we're alone, but he discourages me from expressing my opinions about her because of her condition.

I'm sick and I'm miserable and I don't even have anyone to express it to because my friends are her friends too and I can't trust anyone not to talk to her about it.

I had to take this from offmychest while I was because she literally walked into my room without permission the way she has for the last thirty years, read my screen, saw I was posting there and called me an insensitive monster who was probably talking about her behind her back for years and let loose a broad litany of things she's done for me in the past, as usual, as if it excuses her present behavior.

How DARE I write about how I feel NOW NOW after she bought me a journal (I didn't ask for) a THEMED JOURNAL I don't use and about HER? How can I complain about HER?!

She said she regrets crying for me when she thought I was dying and that if she knew what an heartless asshole I was she wishes I had.

We're in our forties and we're fucking stuck like this and I can't handle this. What do I do? Where can I go? I just want someone to save us all.