Uni

I fell so lonely, it’s only started but my head has been like this for years. I wish I was somewhere else and didn’t have a consciousness at all. I wish I was not alive, sometimes I look at other people with their friends and wish that I could talk to people like they do and sometimes I think about walking up to them and trying to get into their conversation and make friends but I don’t. I have a girlfriend and I’m so insecure at the fact that I think she’ll find someone with a better mindset and more aspirations and more ambitious than me and just leave me for them because honestly, the feelings that I have put her through are not nice. I’m not a nice person, I try my best to be nice, like everyone else does but in the end my stress and my feelings all get dumped onto the person I love the most and it ruins me. She’s making friends at university and she’s doing so well for herself, I’m so proud of her. She is amazing and I’m so jealous of her but I’m so proud at the same time. She is the person I wish I was and I’m trying to be the best I can for her and she’s trying her best to push me to but I’m finding it so hard to change my ways. I’ve always really been a defeatist type of person and I try to look on the bright side but the sun never seems to shine over here for some reason. I know I have to make my own future but damn is it hard to do that. With how I feel, my constant anxiety, my feelings of depression and suicide, my state of constant loneliness. My mum is moving away soon, so I think when she goes it’s going to be alot harder, my dads in the picture but if I’m being honest I’ve always been a mommas boy and her going doesn’t make anything easier but she has to, to help my family so I won’t worry her about this. I was going to call her and ended up putting the phone down after two rings. I can’t stand to see her upset, and I can’t stand to see my baby upset either. So really it’s either I make a change very soon or I’m going to kill myself. I just hope it’s the first because I know how selfish and unfair the second one is. If you read this, I appreciate it. Thank you for hearing me out.

If you are suicidal or depressed, look for some help please. This is very hypocritical of me but please seek some guidance and help especially from the people closest to you. I’ve never been a great listener anyway so I understand but just try and forgive yourself. I’m a big hypocrite but trust me this hypocrite knows a couple things.

And if my gf Tilly ever sees this and I’m no longer here I’m so sorry for not being strong enough to love myself the way that you love me. Please live the life that we should’ve. Find a nice person, settle down have some cats and when you get older go to the countryside with them. You are my favourite person and I’m so thankful for you. I’ll always love you my darling. Take care of yourself bubus, I lobe chuse.

MPG x