Secrecy and Pain in Loving a Familiar Face

I used to get sick at every wedding I attended.

My family mocked it as the curse of love - taunting and unhelpful if you ask me. However, to their dismay, I have never cared much for the relationship aspect of life.

I watched my peers go through what I deemed as pointless, mindless relationships one after another.

I saw no appeal.

In my mind, we haven’t understood ourselves well enough to “love” someone else. To me, it didn't make sense to be in such a weighing relationship at such a transformative age.

I do not believe in love at first sight.

Maybe I’m a pessimist.

It doesn’t feel feasible. There’s no certainty in a first look.

Certainty.

It has nothing to do with people. I have a deep-rooted love for people, but in aspects of romance, I don’t. From my speculation, it’s like adding bars to an already translucent window.

Am I a pessimist?

Unsurprisingly, I’ve always hated the feeling of being known. I could dwell in mystery and secrecy for lifetimes to follow if it meant I would never be known. It’s more of a problem of being perceived. There’s comfort in secrecy. I find that there cannot be pity in secrecy.

There’s a girl I know. We used to work together. I’ve known her for no more than two years, less if you wanted accurate calculations. It’s quite funny to me that one person can change who you are in such a relatively short period.

I am not a person who opens up to people I do not know. In all truth, even to the people I do know, I don’t want them to know me.

She became one of my closest friends instantaneously. We shared many quirks. We shared many laughs. And stories. And lived experiences. She understood me. SHE understood ME. Something I imagined would never occur in my lifetime. Not because I have numerous complexities, but because I could never imagine a life where someone could break down my barriers. I never believed that there would be a person I would allow to do so either.

Inseparable and unstoppable is the only way I know how to describe it. Quickly we clicked, and even quicker I realized I wanted to be in her presence more and more. I became cognisant that my feelings were more than those you have for a friend. I didn’t understand that. I pride myself on my emotional literacy, yet I didn’t understand that.

Unfamiliar feelings.

I don’t have crushes. Even more, I don’t like these feelings. Yet there they were - no one mentions how all-consuming they are. Through it all, I waited and waited for these feelings to go away. To magically vanish. I wish it were that easy. Why isn’t it that easy? Someone, please make it that easy.

I questioned myself time after time on why I felt the way that I did. How could I have let someone in? How could I have done this to myself? What was the point? But most of all, how do I not ruin our friendship when I feel so deeply towards her?

This is sickening.

I fell in love with this girl, and I would do it again. I fell in love with this girl, and I kept it a secret for two years. I fell in love with this girl, and I told her. I fell in love with this girl, and I’m glad I did.

I fell in love with this girl, because she wanted to know me. The scariest feeling of all wasn’t so scary when it was her. Together we knew each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I still hate the idea of being known, but if there is one person I am happy to say knows me. It's her.

There are many secrets and parts of myself I still refuse to share. I do not foresee myself ever becoming an open book. However, if there is one thing that this girl has taught me it is love can look like an array of things. I may not be the most proficient at love, but I’d say I have a stronger grasp now.

She understood me then and continues to do so now. I’m not ashamed to say I’m still in love with this girl, the only difference is now she knows.

I no longer feel as pessimistic.

I no longer get sick at weddings.