Blowing your composure

Days feel too long, can’t help but blow my composure at the end of them… feels like I do this to myself but it’s always someone. I even struggle mentally with people whom I supposedly love or care so much about… but I only care for the good in them, admittedly, they are faulty and I don’t like those parts of them. What is the meaning of blowing one’s composure? To me, it is when your mind can’t help but try to amend something feeling off inside that’s bothering you… that awful feeling or need to make something right; the meaning of keeping your composure, on the other hand, is to never feel that need… at least once you made your mind up. Sometimes I battle with other people in my head and gotta be honest my OCD mind gets in the way pretty frequently, as to always come up with letters and numbers that satisfy it… and that’s my thing with OCD, letters and numbers. The way I make sense of the world is by making, in a way, sense of language… because it is somewhat appealing to me to fix numbers in my head and find the beauty in spoken or written language. And right now I’m feeling one of the worst feelings, which is not in the pain sense, but in the feeling sense more specifically: the feeling of spending your entire day on the right path only to screw it up at the end, by some random thought that popped in my mind. This is mainly to talk about the meaning of blowing your composure. Felt this too many times, but I haven’t felt this in a while… just a pure sense of lack of control and impotence, to think that I’m never going to be the same or the whole universe invalidating me. This is almost nothing, I know… but I write this down for self therapy knowing that if I don’t do this I’d be fighting my demons all alone, before going to sleep and I would carry my feelings of despondency to the upcoming day of tomorrow.