black swan

some days i hate being a girl. its tiring, i feel weak and pathetic. from the day i was born up until now and i suspect it to carry on, have i been opressed. people will say awful things to you just because youre a woman. not even that, im a girl. its like ballet. its viewed as beautiful and delicate but its nothing like that on the inside. it hurts and youre abused. maybe im alone on this.

but im certainly alone on the fact that some days, i fantasize about how it'd be like to be a boy. to wear whatever clothes i want and itll fit right because my chest isnt in the way. to cut my hair however i want because as a guy theres not one certain aesthetic to stick to. to say vulgar things and have people laugh and not stare. to play video games and im viewed as normal. to laugh with a group of boys. not spend hours staring at myself hating the way i look because im not feminine enough. i could embrace my lack of feminity and no one would judge me.

but i cant be a boy. id never be a boy. no amount of cosmetics could change the fact that i was born a woman.

sometimes i like it. when my hairs flowing and i do my makeup and dress all girly it feels great. but ive spent many nights crying, crawled up in a ball asking god why i had to be born into a world where im treated so horribly for something i cant control. and i have no one to talk to about this. everyone takes it as me saying i wanna transition but thats not it. i cant explain it. i wish i could feel how its like to be a boy without becoming one.

i wish we lived in a world where everyone could just be fair.