I miss my ex

I wish I could write this somewhere I could save it. But there’s no privacy anywhere I go. He’s always looking over my shoulder and to be honest this would kill me if I saw him write this, too.

I can’t stop dreaming about Joey. I cannot. Every night lately. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m missing having sex or if it’s because I wish I had him back in my life. I think I glorify him to a point that’s not real. He’ll always be the thing I fucked up and then the person who toyed with me for years. The person I cried over for too long.

But eventually we got a small chance to make it happen- only I no longer wanted him. He was boring, he was childish and he was stuck in a nowhere town, being boring. He was never boring before. He was always doing something fun, living somewhere fun, living life in a full way that I particularly enjoyed.

Now he has twin children with an ex wife. He has 1 child on the way with his new wife and he looks pretty happy, I guess. And I don’t really find myself jealous of her or him. His kids are annoying, he gave one a mullet, which I cannot fathom. They have stupid names and seem really unruly. We have way different parenting styles, and that bugs me.

He’s also decided he’s “gender neutral” which I don’t get. I just don’t. What makes him so neutral? He seems the same to me. Why can’t he just be- no need to use some ridiculous label. I dunno, this bugs me, too. I have no problem with him feeling feminine in some ways and masculine in others. But the need to call it something specific and put yourself into some box seems contrived. It’s not for me to say what he does, but I have an opinion on the whole thing. Whatever. It’s not the point.

I dream so much about him. We’re being secretive, we’re constantly fucking, looking into each others eyes, fucking so hard I wake up wet and sometimes having an orgasm. It’s dick-matism, I know it is. I would cry when I’d come with him. I was maybe 22 or 23, crying because I’d come so hard and felt so connected. What was wrong with me? I can’t help but want that again.

Once we were able to have a rendezvous when I was married. And holy shit. The passion was intense and insistent and all I wanted was him to be inside me for the rest of my life. It was magical and often when I think of him, I think about this time we had together. After I split with my husband I kept coming back to LA. Spending every dime I had on gas, and living off penut butter and wonder bread sandwiches. And fuck was it fun.

Maybe I’m having a midlife crisis. He’s doing his own thing. He actually asked me to leave him alone the last time we spoke. I insulted him I guess. I don’t know why I did. I think I was mad he wasn’t paying attention to me. And I need 100% of his attention. He has told me before “if you’d have asked me to I would never have married my ex wife. I wanted you to tell me.”

But, I was busy being a single mom and I thought he was still so immature. And I didn’t really care much at the time. Plus I met the man I love around that time and things were sexy and hot at the begenning. And he is kind and I would never leave him- ever. He’s the one that makes me happy, loves me, makes me laugh, makes me cry, and I just love who he is so much.

But I still think about Joey all the fucking time. I hate it. He wouldn’t leave me for his new wife I even asked before he got married. But he knows I’d never ever leave my current partner. But even if I was single I still think I’m not the right one for him. He needs a nice, easy wife and mother. Not a complicated mess who just wants to be an artist and be a weird solitary misfit. It’s cool. I don’t mind being who I am anymore.

I still wish he’d contact me and tell me how he loves me and wants me and how he’s willing to do ANYTHING to see me again. But when he tells me these things it’s pretty much all a lie. I guess I need that lie.