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Clearly, you’ve never been where I am.
Clearly you’ve never found yourself on your hands and knees, begging God to make you ‘normal’. Praying to feel the way ‘you’re supposed to’ To like boys, only boys, just boys. To feel happy as a girl, a woman. Praying- no, begging to just be normal.
Clearly you’ve never had to avoid looking down during a shower. Never feel comfortable looking at your naked self in front of a mirror.
Clearly you haven’t begged God at night to kill you, end your suffering, let you live in another world where you were a boy. Where you could breathe as a boy, paint your nails as a boy, play sports as a boy, love a girl as a boy, love a boy as a boy, hell even fail your math quiz as a boy.
Clearly you’ve never begged God to take your life, to end the suffering. To wake up in another world where you are a boy. To finally breathe, exsist, live like a boy - Talk, paint your nails, play sports, fall in love, hell even mess up on a math quiz - as a boy.
Clearly you’ve never had your parents tell you that you should feel lucky; they even acknowledge who you are, because “no other parents would do that.” Or have your father look you dead in the eyes and tell you that you only like girls for attention.
Clearly you’ve never held the weight of shame instead of someone's hand.
You’ve never felt this way. Because your life is different. You stare at the cross in church, wear your Star of David, or adjust your hijab in the bathroom.
You live your life following a God who tells me my love. My love, pure, beautiful, imperfect love; is a sin.
You live by a God who tells me that my love — real, raw, imperfect love — is a sin.
You follow a book that controls every thought you think and every word you say.
How can you pray to a God who says love is wrong?
How could my love, more pure than yours, ever be a sin? Why is it that my love is your sin?
You don’t care. You never do. You keep sticking to that damn book, you keep praying to your damn ‘God’
“Love was the law, religion was taught” said Gigi Perez.
See, that's where we are different.
The difference isn’t in what we believe, who we choose to love, how we choose to live.
No,
The difference is that, my sin is love, yours is hate.
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Aw, this left me on the verge of tears. I'm a nonbinary pansexual person with homophobic parents. I feel like I'm so alone, but this makes me feel seen.
Much love!
ReplyI'm sorry it left you on the verge of tears. And I'm also Pansexual- not so sure about my gender though.
You are never alone, there are millions of queer people out there with parents and experiences like yours. And I promise you are seen, you deserve to be seen.
Much love to you as well :)
ReplyYou truly know what and how it is. I respect you. You, I feel, are not one to give up, and I pray to whatever cursed, horrible, unfair god there is that you don't.
You are strong, my dear, and I am so, so proud that you can recognise when you're right and they're wrong.
"Even the perfect angel sins sometimes"- that may be from some video game song, but oh, how right that is. You are the perfect angel in that you sin for the good in the world.
I'm rooting for you, my dear.
ReplyThank you so much, truly.
"Even the perfect angel sins sometimes" that is so beautiful, will definitely be looking for where that is from.
Thank you so much for believing in me :)
Reply