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I need this to get out of my head now...
My life has been fucked up since I was 4, when I was 4...my cousin touched me inappropriately (he was 15) and said it was a game...and then he then he took my virginity! he did this to me until I was 11...and then he stopped..he is ashamed for what he did to me...he doesn't even let me get near to him...I am mad at him for doing these shits with me, it hurts but I don't know i feel like it's my mistake that i let him do all those shits wih me...never did i told anyone about this...even if i have told someone it's my one friend and I didn't even tell him everything...and I am happy that he doesn't talk to me about it...then there's my parents lol they make me feel the worst...they no NOTHING ABOUT ME AND JUDGE ME LIKE WHAT THE FUCK YOU KNOW ABOUT ME?!!! THEY THINK I'M 15 WHAT PROBLEMS WOULD I HAVE MAN U KNOW NOTHING AND YOU SERIOUSLY?? IT HURTSSS SO BADDD all they want from me is good grades to maintain THEIR PRIDE HAHA why do no one understand me they're so fucking toxic when i tell them i'm hurt by ur words they're like you're hurt by us?! us?! we're paying for you, we're doing everything for u and u get hurt by our words u can't even listen to us?? no i cannot... i cannot bare all the words u speak to me...once i had a crush a year ago..i told about it to my friend and my parents read the chats, they now think i'm some kind of a slut or something they think all i do is talk with boys, be with them and whateever...i don't...yk they are the reason I cannot even keepup with my grades TEHY WANT ME TO BE PERFECT BUT I CANNOT BE ONE...it hurts i cannot keep up with all things...I'VE LOST MY FRIENDS AFTER THE INCIDENT AN YEAR AGO...It took me time to open up again but when now i made few friends again i'm not the same...and yk if i talk with my friends even about studies they're like y tf r u talking to ur friends...friends are nothing...just limit all ur things..u don't need a frnd...yes they do say this...truth is I DON'T EVEN NEED U!!! I DON'T NEED ANYONE...LEAVE ME, PUT ME INTO A TRASHCAN AND THROW ME AWAY I WON'T GIVE A FUCK, LIVING IN A TRASHCAN WOULD BE BETTER. yk when i lost my frnds, even they became toxic, they used to spread rumours about me, talk shitty things about me, mentally bully me. It hurts. and my parents they fight so much and when my father gets drunk and comes back home and when these two ppl fight all the blame goes to me!!! EVERY SHIT HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD IS BECAUSE OF ME. YES TRUE. I AM THE REASON BEHIND UR SADNESS MUMMA PAPA :) WISH U HAD A BETTER DAUGHTER :)) I AM SORRY I CANNOT MATCH UR EXPECTATIONS I AM REALLY SORRY. now the frnds i have they're sweet they really are but sometimes when they talk about their problems with me and speak like they're so damn depressed idk but it makes me furious i feel like bro what u dealing with? u just got scolded by ur dad right? but i get CURSED. I GET BEATEN UP. do u? fuck no. but i still make THEM feel better. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS FUCKED UP.
few years ago i gained a little weight and my whole family used to make fun of me, it again hurt me...now i have losen weight, suffering from anemia and my family is like FUCKING EAT SOMETHING,,,GO TO HELL I WON'T EAT ANYTHING! and now I am afraid of gaining weight that i...sometimes just go and vomit everything.
THINGS ARE TAKING TURNS AND TURNS AND TURNS ARE TAKEN SO FURIOUSLY THAT I AM FALLING EVERYTIME, I AM GETTING UP BUT FALLING AGAIN AND NOW I AM TIRED OF GETTING UP, I HOPE SOON A TURN COMES AND I DIE. I am struggling with everything...getting body shamed, my academics, parents, friends everything and i am changed a lot, i don't want anyone in my life, i want to run away...escape i mean why do i even need to live? i think i should just die and i'll get peace. now everyday i feel anxious for no reason, get panic attacks for no reason...i'm fucked up.. Yk I hate myself so damn much that now I self harm myself no other options left, too afriad to suicide actually punishing myself makes me feel so good, i've become a maniac, i love SEE MYSELF get hurt, now that i get humilated, slapped, beaten up I smile, I do after they go away...I look myself in the mirror, sympathy runs over me for myself, I smile and then turn off the lights... cry because sometimes i need it, crying and then look at myself laugh at my state wash my face and get the fuck out to again study...what a perfect life I am living.
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hey...only 2 hours ago.....that was a lot..I'm sorry to hear that you've been through all that at such a young age.....and you've said your friends talk to you about their problems and it feels bad when you have to make them feel better after going through all this shit alone right...yeah it sucks when ppl do that....I have a friend in this situation, and I think for her, opening up to a trusted and close friend helps...yeah I can't say things like seek help, tell smbdy, it'll be alright, don't die, ppl will be sad, because that's typical stuff right? but...I still will say this, that what your parents are making you feel, it's wrong. you are not the cause of their sufferings, you do not exist only to be a perfect student and bring home good grades. you are a human being too with your feelings and your flaws, and you know what, we all have our flaws. and that's perfectly fine. just go through this website, and you'll see. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. you matter. ik you hate yourself, your weight gaining...but think...that there is someone out there, meant for you...who will one day accept you and embrace you just the way you are. you do not deserve to get punished by yourself like that dear :( idk if any of that helped, but I want you to feel better about yourself, think that one day when you're an adult you can finally leave that home, be independent. keep fighting for that day. please. you are precious.
Replyhey so I typed a comment but I think I typed a "flagged" word and now it's being reviewed and idk when they will post it hehe....my bad...I know saying typical stuff like it's ok everything will be fine people love you bla bla, it doesn't really help. and Idk really how to help, but I do want to help. A LOT. so....you said you're 15. you're almost there to being an adult, getting out of that place, away from them, being independent. there is someone out there who will one day embrace you and accept you with all your beauty and your flaws, because we all do have flaws. and guess what? it's perfectly fine. (oops cheesy stuff) but really. I know you're tired. of everything. but I want you to know that you matter. you're precious. YOU MATTER. NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR GRADES, NOT FOR BEING A PERFECT STUDENT. BUT FOR BEING A HUMAN. A HUMAN WITH FEELINGS. what your parents are making you feel is wrong. perhaps open up to the closest friend when you feel your thoughts spiralling. I want you to love yourself. you will never be able to see how bright you shine, so it is hard for you to love every part of you. but you do not deserve to be punished by yourself like this. the little child inside you, needs someone to hold them and soothe them. think of that child. please. I hope you find a close friend who will help you through this all, and make you see how much you matter.
Replytysm...I hope I too find peace soon and...you too take care of urslef.
Replyhave you been using this site often? did it help?
ReplyI don't use it frequently but I do visit it almost every month...It does make me feel better...
ReplyI don't use it frequently but I do visit it almost every month...It does make me feel better...
ReplyI don't use it frequently but I do visit it almost every month...It does make me feel better...
Replywby?
ReplyI just signed up, like 20 mins ago 0_0, and glad that it helps you..
ReplyI see...I hope it makes u feel better too.
Replyhey how have you been today
ReplyIt's so good to see you asking, ty for caring. I am okay, wby?
ReplyI'm fine too, our results were out ( board exams of 12th grade, a level you could say) a great weight off my shoulders. which grade are you in?
ReplyI see..how did it go? I'm in 10th grade.
Replyawh 10th grade!
and my result was satisfactory since I was expecting a lot worse hehe...
ReplyGlad to know!
Reply