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About a year ago, I had a plan to kill myself.
I was going to finally end it.
I was going to. FINALLY. DO SOMETHING. FOR MYSELF.
Well. Obviously, I'm still here.
I had made a plan. I bought gifts for those closest to me. I had letters planned. I bought helium so that I could go peacefully and painlessly.
That night. The night I should've done it.
...She fucking messages me...
My, now girlfriend, messages me.
They message me about their struggles.
and I couldn't follow through.
I was actually going to do something for myself for once.
I was going to be selfish and just... leave.
...and I wasn't able to do it.
Why.
WHY.
SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF JUST A FEW DAYS AGO ANYWAYS.
ALL THAT I DID BY STAYING HERE FOR THEM WAS MAKE /HER/ SUFFER A LITTLE LONGER.
What's the point.
I don't even know how to help her...
I can't even fucking help myself....
This is going to sound so bad, but I struggle so much to stop myself from telling her--and my other friend !--to just end it.....
Both of them are suffering... so why not...?
I don't want them to leave...
But I don't want them to suffer anymore...
I don't know how to help either of them anyways...
I do my best...
but...
I don't know...
I can't do this anymore...
I'm to the point where I had a dream about putting myself in dangerous situations.
I dreamed about walking into the road as a car is racing towards me.
I'm not currently bad enough to want to kill myself... but I'm bad enough to want to put myself in harms way.
It's the 14th right now.
I mention the date because it's still over two weeks till my next counselling appointment.
What is my counsellor going to do anyway.
I'm going to tell her all of this and what is she going to do.
Ask why I feel like this or something ?
Tell me not to hurt myself ?
...
I just... can't...
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