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i am just so so so so so fucking confused in my life right now. i feel alone even though i'm surrounded by people and i have a cold but i think i'm probably well enough to go to school. i just can't bring myself to get up and go. like I'm avoiding it but i can't do it forever because i'll probably have to go tomorrow. i've also been watching a lot of like "moving to my first city apartment" or something videos on youtube and all of the creators are skinny. i'm 5'4 and weigh about 160 pounds. i'm 14 by the way. it's definitely not something i'm comfortable with but i can't bring myself to change it for some reason. i feel like i can only picture myself living my happiest life as a skinny person. like in order to be 100% happy with my life and self i NEED to be skinny (i know in my heart that isn't the case but honestly that statement might not even be true). i don't know what i think is true and untrue anymore. i never have. also even my sister keeps making subtle digs at my weight. she thinks that i think they're funny probably and that it's a harmless joke but i know what she says is what she's truly thinking. it'd be okay if i was healthy and overweight (not for society, but my family) but I'm not. i just fucking eat and eat and eat and i can't even laugh at that. being home for 3 days sick, i'm not hungry but i keep eating like shit. i don't know what's real in my mind or not and i'm just once again so so confused and like idk. i have an incredible amount of schoolwork to make up and a room to clean and money to make but i won't get up and do it. it's like my mind or body is refusing to change. my mind doesn't want to accept that it needs change. also my male friend who i'm really close with invited me to this "ball" that his school is hosting in december and i think i wanna go but i just can't make up my fucking mind.
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