My Timed Entry

Something changed. I don't know what is different, but something is. The other night when it was yet again my fault for a whole swath of things. I felt so unable to face it. So burdened under this weight of bearing the blame for years of stress. When at the time it was happening, I was under a lot. I had three children under 4. I had hashimotos, pcos, and rheumatoid arthritis. I was unable to function many days. I got shingles and laid on the couch in pain from the antiviral meds. Covid happened and somehow it's my fault I didn't want to be exposed to Covid. My fault that I was leery about my husband returning to work unvaxxed. SO the other night when I was trying to be positive about everything, I get blamed for the stress of covid. SO I sat with it for a bit and decided to apologize for anything I did to cause stress in any way. I told him I love him. I went to bed. He comes in later and apologizes for laying all that on me. He acknowledged it wasn't true. I forgave him, but something happened. I changed inside in that moment. Where it was so easy to go at me and lay all this blame on me, and yet so hard for him to apologize. I am tired. I am weary. I don't care anymore. He can think whatever he wants about me, and it doesn't even matter to me anymore. I can do my best-receive no support-struggle through it all-and still get blamed. I realize that I have to just do my part. Work hard to be what I can be, and let the chips fall wherever. I have given up the idea that I will have a true partner in life. I am married. I have a husband. That is what I have. I am thankful for him. I am glad to have a good life. No more wondering about deeper connection and a true soulmate kind of things. It will never happen. I know the reason, but I just can't even bring myself to speak or write that. It's just what it is, and at least now I'm not fooled by stuff anymore. Here's to the era of just being what I can be for everyone else until I am gone. Hope I do a good job. I will try my best.