How I feel lonely

I hate what I have seemingly become. Perhaps this is the wrong way to put it. I hate that I have finally become aware enough to hate all of the things I lack. I metaphorically look around my life and though there is beauty to behold, it only exists in the eye of the one claiming the title to do so. This is not me. This may be my life but it doesn’t feel like my story. I feel as though I am living for other people and I am only limited to what it is that they feel in their lives. I struggle to care for myself in a way that I find meaningful. I will cry for others before I cry for myself. I watch videos of people being happy and I will cry for these people that I have never met. I feel as though Iam crying out of jealousy almost. They are so happy and I can’t fathom such a positive feeling. Yet again I probably have and I am so blinded by this desire to feel something specific. I don’t feel like I feel things the way I should or want to. I don’t feel any weight when it comes to myself. I feel like even with those I care about it is hard to find the feelings in general. I have an ego but no pride. I do not feel proud of myself and I feel so lonely. I look for a hand and though there seem to me many it is as if they are phantom hands that are mere illusions and I am left to be in my own realm once again. I can be surrounded by love and it is as if my body actively rejects it. Perhaps I am selfish and want it in a very specific way. To be loved is to be understood and frankly I don't feel understood. I wish I could shake this childish notion that nobody understands me but I will not deny the fact that I do feel this way. I feel an anger every day that I wish would dissipate and I wish to stop hurting my friends. Who even are my friends? The desperation I feel when anyone is going to leave my life when I once felt a connection. Perhaps I am afraid and I don’t recognize it. I am scared of not being ok by myself or I feel that I will lose everything once I am alone. People I haven’t talked to in years tell me that they think our time as friends is up and though it is natural and makes sense I will cling to it. I CANT LET GO. Perhaps that's the root of everything. I hate people for not understanding me and it was all just a projection of my own insecurities. Could people really love someone like me? I am abrasive and condescending. I treat those who love me most with disrespect and find some way to justify. I am sure people can love me, and I am sure they do, yet perhaps it is my own inability to let such things go that holds me back from experiences all that I can. I feel like a hawk in a chicken coop. The power I give to other people, the potential I have as a being is being pushed down by another desire to not seem so pretentious. Expression is something I feel I struggle with. I can obviously write things out but nothing ever itches the scratch. It is a craving, an addiction to get these emotions and words to just come out of me and feel a weight lift. I can’t seem to figure out what makes me feel like me. Who am I? Do I need to figure this out even more than I thought? Can I even trust me? I live in a world of contradictions. I believe I am not the smartest person in the world yet hate not being the smartest in the room, I understand that people can make mistakes and thats ok but get furious when mine are pointed out, I know people feel the way I do and are confused just like me and yet I sit and judge them for it. If anyone feels the way I do I can’t blame them for their actions. I can hold them accountable but I understand how it is to act out on pure emotion or what feels like a lack there of. Even people who I actively want to avoid have my sympathy and empathy as I know they are people who are going through the same world. I am just with a different lens so who am I to judge? Once again after taking a long hard look in the mirror I see someone who frankly isn’t there. It is a shell who has sparks of life but is on fumes. Someone who hates anyone who reminds him of himself. He can’t face who he is so he takes his frustrations out on those who have similar actions because it's easy. I wonder how ignorant I am? I wonder how different things will look later for me, how hindsight will look. I can’t wait for this to be something that I can look back on and laugh about later.