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Im in theatre, and I play the female lead in the show were doing right now. The guy who plays the other lead/love interest is a senior. I'm a freshman. But God Damnit, i'm in love with him. I can't stop thinking about him. He's on my mind when I open my eyes in the morning, and when I close them at night, and every moment in between: but here's the kicker... He's got a girlfriend. And they're so happy together. And the age difference, and he kind of hates my guts and is a TOTAL douchebag, but he's so awesome. And i'm so in love with him, and I can't have him. It's KILLING me. His girlfriend is also in the play, too, and he's totally in love with her, (she's also my sister in the play), right up until the moment I decide that it's a good idea to make out with him. But in real life, we're starting to talk. We're starting to have conversations. But I know he doesn't see me like I see him. I know he isn't on the same page, let alone the same book, as me. It's tearing me apart. I want him so badly that it's physically hurting me. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. A small part of me is so glad that he's a senior, and is going to be gone next year. But every other part of me is so sad that i'll never get to see his beautiful face ever again after he graduates. He's gonna go to college... and marry someone else... while i'm over here, forever alone. He's going to have a really successful life... and never remember me. He's going to live his life and never even acknowledge my existence after graduation.I just want him to love me, and I know im crazy, and that its ridiculous in the first place, even if he didn't have a girlfriend, because of the age difference. But I have told myself all of these things, and tried so hard to force myself not to feel the way I do about him, but I still do. I just can't help myself. It hurts so bad.
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Hey there! I know this post is a year old, but I hope I can still offer something up by commenting. I just graduated high school, and I was just like you. I was once a freshman with a lead who was in love with the senior playing opposite of me. He was with another girl in the play. Wow, this is similar.
It hurts a lot in the moment, but I promise you this: time will heal. I was devastated for about a year after the boy left my life and left for college. You'll find that there's always something else out there. There will be other boys. Freshman/Senior relationships are rarely good. Focus on being the best artist you can be. Time and work will mitigate or drown out your feelings.
I really enjoyed this post.
- Clara
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