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it exists in the center of my mind. i'm still able to focus, function, and be a member of society. however, on occasion it will stop all of that. it will make a smooth and horrific concoction and spread through my mind like oil in the ocean. unwanted, unpleasant, and disgusting. it tears me down from the inside out without regarding as to who i'm with and what situation i find myself in. but the chaos that goes down inside my body, the pain that makes it a struggle to go to school and work everyday just to come to the end of it knowing it was the same as every yesterday and every tomorrow must be kept internalized. for if i let it out, if i show the world i am pained by my own existence i will not be helped. therapists, hospitals, medication, and drugs. been through them all because i was weak and opened up. they hurt you when you vent out your demons, the disgusting black muck that fills my mind day in and day out. they fail to realize i just need to hear it. i need to hear myself say it out loud instead of listening to what the blackness tells me.
my mind isn't sacred anymore. it's not a thing i can trust with any of my dark thoughts, i cant lock them away safely and slowly let them exercise themselves out. they've become overly corrupt, become something stronger, strong enough to burst from their captivity and haunt me without rest. i need to hear myself say it, explain vocally to myself to rationalize my views of my life. when my thoughts are internalized, that is when they bring me down, bring me to death. when vocalized, when i hear myself spout out the demonic blackness, i become lighter, i am brought to a sense of clarity. but i am unable, i am unable. i am unable. it must be kept inside, must be internalized, it is no option. those i trust are far too happy and content with life to be able to carry a burden of which i do. those i pay are obligated to sound alarm and load me up with pills and ship me off, so what's the point of wasting money on them when the drugs are so much sweeter. those who are related, who are my family are far too shut in, such conversations are frowned upon and would cause too much stress to hear out of their child.
depression, seems like such an understated word. no body really takes it seriously and sometimes i wonder if i even take it seriously myself, though i deal with it and have dealt with it for the past 3 years of my life. music, pills, drugs, everything i've ever tried is temporary. so in a way, i've made it a friend since it refuses to go away and has stayed with me for so long. i hate it but, i cant live without it. anxiety travels with it and it assists me in ways, tells me things i shouldn't do and helps me become a better person oddly enough. they are both toxic, but needed. if i choose to get rid of the negative, i am left with nothing but negative. i have made the mistake of relying on it to tell me how to live my life. so even though i want them both to be gone, to be rid of the blackness, i cannot part from it. instead, i shall just live my life like i always have since it entered my world. internalize it so no one knows.
x. khm
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