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My brain is beginning to beat life out of me. In my head everything is mixed up. Thoughts uncontrolably run through my head and randomly stick inside, vanish and get replace in a loop. I live in a "grayzone", everything is possible and uncertain, but I also see only black and white;one or else without the inbetween. I don't feel like I know who I was, who I am, who I want to be. Also, little wars happen in my head everyday. Example: I start imagining things, hearing sounds, seeing shadows, hallucinating - instantly my brain splits in two parts, fighting eachother - 1-I know it is unreal and only in my head, I KNOW IT,2- at the same time my brain is just not accepting it and continues to raise panic in me. Leaving it as it is, I continue doing anything while panic and tension rise and either I curl up in fear and tears or corner myself somewhere and stare into nothing, disconnected waiting for it all to shut up. Like I have zero control. I'm a druglover, for a few years. I've been snorting for at least last year almost on daily, speed. I know I need to stop and I know I will never stop, I know I am killing myself and I know I'm kinda loving it. I also know my drug use affects my born weak mental state and depression, anxiety. In my head at the same time I find quitting it and continuing it a good thing, seeing them as right things. I question everything and not care about anything. I want to learn but see learning as pointless. I hope while not believing in hope. Even objects seem unfamiliar sometimes to me, holding coins and like it's a first time ever I saw and felt them. I feel so empty and down all the time but talking and smiling, I don't know why or how. Approaching things with seeing all the possibilities; seeing only one outcome, negatively.
I'm feeling really lost shortly. Really lost.
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