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I'm 17, annnd I'm pretty gay. Sometimes I'm even excited about it and try and be open.
I've had girlfriends before, as well as boyfriends, and right now I'm in a relationship with the cutest girl as of a few days ago. I'm so proud of her, talking to her makes me so happy, and she gives the best hugs.
However, every so often I actually think about it...and I get scared, sad, and ashamed in myself.
Holding hands with her in public makes me nervous, panic attack nervous. I feel so bad, cause I truly want to give her my all.
I'm not openly out, though a few people know. My best friend sometimes mentions it around other people and I get nervous.
My mom found out once when I was 14 and I told her about my current girlfriend...she cried for two days saying she needs "time to think about it" and "you know its against my religion". I since took it back, and have publicly dated boys even though I didn't really like them. So she doesn't know, I think about telling her sometimes but I don't think I can.
Sometimes when I think about it I get grossed out. Why and how am I like this?
I'm okay with other people being gay...I see them in public and I feel happy that they can be so open. I see pride parade and support them. I might actually be going with my girlfriend this year to toronto pride....
Its so weird isnt it??? Like I participate in it all, im half in half out of the closet, im still scared, I still try to like guys sometimes....whats wrong with me??? why cant i just love myself
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It's okay to be scared, being scared of something is what will make u stronger by fighting it.. just try to be proud of urself in being what ur bc no one knows u better than urself..
Love urself, love myself 💜 Ik it's harder to do it than talking bout it but try to encourage urself by thinking positive ' oh im special bc no one can date my girl bc she's mine' ' oh im uniqeu bc im different ' sometimes u just need to fuck it n pray that it may lead u to the best things in life!! Congrats in getting the cutest girl!!!!
ReplyThanks man. I don't know how to comment anonymously so idc.
This is really sweet. I'm proud of my cute girl :p <3
ReplyThe answer to why you're feeling scared is simple, though it might sound a bit cliche. Our society has thrown so much slander in the direction of homosexuality. And the fact that your mother is apparently religiously against it doesn't help either. You can be a perfectly accepting person, and even gay yourself, while still struggling with subconscious thoughts left in you by your surroundings.The solution to your fear is a bit more complex. You need confidence, and the confidence of people around you. Having a girlfriend is great, because no one will be a better support system for you then someone who clearly understands your struggle. I found my confidence in my sexuality by realizing that sexuality doesn't have to consume you.Your sexuality is only a part of you. When you go to school, work, shopping, on vacation, whatever, you do it as a person. You do it as someone who loves to read, or loves to swim, or sing, or whatever it is you may love to do. No one is going to know what your sexuality is seeing you do those things. And they don't need to know. You only need to tell those you want to tell. Don't let yourself feel suffocated by your sexuality in irrelevant situations.And when it does come down to those moments where it does matter, then just keep reminding yourself of what you want. Don't try to like something you're not into because you think it'll make your mom, society, or whoever happy. You're in charge of seeking out the comforts of your life. If you think your girlfriend gives the best hugs, then make sure she's the one you go to when you need held. And don't be afraid of that. If you want to hold her hand, hold her hand- strangers be dammed.In those moments, tell yourself 'there's no reason I shouldn't be happy right now'. That sort of thinking worked for me, and has for a few of my friends. I hope it does a little something for you too.
ReplyThank you. Thank you. Thank you. <3 I really appreciate the time you took to respond to me.
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