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An Unlovable Doll- A short (anecdote, poem, or story, etc...something)?
7 years ago · 2 · Depression, +5
1348
He was so mean on the phone. It was like a different person. The voice was what I knew, but the words spewing from it didn’t match. The words. Instead of warming me they burrowed into me. The contempt. The disgust. The annoyance and inconvenience they implied stung. It stung worse than any physical pain I ever felt. This wasn’t person I knew. This wasn’t the kind, dorky, awkward boy. This was an angry and frustrated man. Frustrated with me for feeling the way that I felt. The contempt mixed with the annoyance and inconvenience that my presence imposed was evident. I wanted to hug him like I used to. To just feel the warm comfort of human touch.
I wanted to feel wanted. Which I slowly realized is not something others (beyond my immediate family) are capable of feeling for me.
I am simply unlovable.
It is like I was born to fit a certain mold but was manufactured without that one key piece. I looked like a normal doll on the outside and even excelled in some of my doll-like qualities. This was evident by my degrees, awards, and publications, but I was missing that one mystical peace that makes a doll or toy marketable. I wasn’t the prettiest doll on the shelf but I was pretty close. People loved playing with me but only up to a certain point. It was like they eventually realized right before making a purchase how broken I really was. They realized I was made without that vital piece and decided I was no longer worth buying.
Buying or loving.
Simply put I am unlovable.
No matter how hard I try I am incapable of maintaining any stable relationships (both romantic and platonic). Ive read copious amounts of self-help books to try and fix me, but how do you fix an unlovable person? If I was ugly I could go to the gym or put on makeup. If I was dumb, I could read books and attend classes to learn. It wouldn’t be easy, but I could fix those. Those are fixable, while being unlovable is not. I’ve tried, but I can’t make people want to stick around.
I can’t make myself lovable when I am so fundamentally unlovable.
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It sounds like you are a well accomplished person who is certainly worthy of love. Although times may have been hard for you, and you have tried to find what you were looking for, it just might not be the right time for you. Or it might be that the person you knew has changed, and therefore is no longer the right person for you. Relationships are always changing, sometimes more dramatically. But have faith in yourself and in your failures. The right person for you may be just around the corner.
ReplyYou're a "broken doll" too? I'm feeling more relieved knowing you exist.
Reply