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To you:
How do I even begin?
I have been praying to meet you – and God has answered those prayers when I was in high school. However, you had to leave and go back to your “normal” life in the US. I understood that completely because I don’t really want to cause any conflict with your current family. I respected your decision for not telling her about me. She was young. You’re right; however, I was 15 or 16 when I had to face all these complicated issues by myself – because that’s me. I don’t want anyone to be involved in whatever emotional roller coaster I was in. As much as I can emotionally handle it, I would keep all these feelings in me. There were times however that I wished someone would understand me.
But it’s fine. I am here now, and I love where I am: the environment, the people, and my family. They were all there despite me being stubborn about showing my feelings. The minute you said you can’t face or talk to my family because of the past (to which I wasn’t even involved in) pricked me. I told you they were important to me, and I subtly had to say they were there when you were not – and I know it’s not your choice for us to be apart. Circumstances just weren’t in our favor, and it sucks.
I am reaching out now – again. You said you tried reaching out to me back in high school. I might be nonchalant, but I honestly didn’t feel it. You were so persuasive in telling me of the past: of how you weren’t with me because of a certain person. I didn’t want to take sides because all I can do is listen. You’re telling me of a past event that wouldn’t really change anything right now. You’re happy with your family, and I am deeply grateful for mine too – but somehow, you seem to want me to go against the very people I grew up with. It hurts. The truth is subjective, they said. And I totally agree. Your truth is that this person caused for our demise, and my truth is this: I just want to maximize whatever we have now, regardless of the circumstances – but you keep going back to the past, and you can’t seem to let it go. I am not disregarding your story. Trust me, I almost came to the point of hating that person – but I thought this person has caused you harm and not me. This person has done everything to provide for my needs and wants (and thank God for her!).
I can’t push myself to question her about the past because it’s all said and done. Her mistakes, my mistakes, and your mistakes: that’s what makes our story the way it is today. It’s not a perfect one, but it’s the basic truth.
I am writing this to you because I am hurt – I’ve been hurting for these last couple of months now. No one seems to get me. There’s one person that understands me, but I am afraid he’s at the point of growing tired of hearing me rant about you. So, here: I am writing. You may never read this, but at least the feelings out of my chest.
I want to see you. I want to be your daughter even for just a day. Then maybe, I can finally tell myself that this is my story: that my dad has his own family now, and that I am forever grateful for everything I have today.
All the best,
Your forever little girl.
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