Tears of Joy

I'm crying tears of joy and desperation. The tears that make me feel like I'm not good enough accompany the tears that allow me to know I'm not alone. I constantly stress about what I just said, wondering if I should have put more thought into my words before I let them leave my mouth. Careless or underdeveloped thoughts keep me up at night. The constant tossing and turning is a symptom of over thinking. Over analyzing seems to have become my specialty. I plan out each decision I make, yet I still can't seem to do anything right. Each action is another mistake that's made. Sadly, I cannot let anyone know how I really feel as it leads to judgment and betrayal. If I share my feelings, it leads to someone saying "you shouldn't feel sad" or "it's not right for you to feel this way". These two statements add weights on my shoulders. Every time they're spoken, I feel worse about myself. I'm aware that I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. Thoughts consume my brain, and I'm unable to stop them. I feel uneasy every waking moment as an empty pit grows in my stomach. My confidence levels decrease as time goes on. There are times when I never want to leave my bed, eat, or talk to anyone. No matter how hard I try to fight my feelings, they always overcome my thoughts and win the battle, as a war takes place in my head. The people I trust slowly decrease, as betrayal has become a new fashion in today's day in age. People can be selfish and unforgiving, leaving me to realize that these tears that are leaving my eyes will continue to flow. Now, I lie awake throughout the late hours of the night as the tears of desperation begin to overcome the tears of joy.