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First Love, First "Adult" Relationship, First Relationship With Stress (Help?)
6 years ago · 0 · Stress, +11
1102
I met my boyfriend in the restaurant I got hired at about a year ago. We were talking and flirting from the very beginning. He was very nice and I had a crush on him almost instantly. Unfortunately, I hardly had any relationship experience and didn't realize I was flirting with him and that he was flirting back. I got very upset and lonely because I was convinced he didn't have any interest in me.
We started seriously talking after closing the restaurant one night when I tried to get a drink from the fountain drink station and ended up with lemonade sprayed up my arm and a hardly filled cup. He was responsible for cleaning the beverage station that night so, naturally, I went to him to ask why I was sprayed with lemonade. Instead of criticizing me or laughing, he said, "Let me show you something." He led me back to the beverage station and showed me a cup of water full of nozzles off of the fountain drink machine. I felt stupid and ashamed for not putting the pieces together when they were right in front of me. He took my cup, got my lemonade for me, and that was the end of that after some well deserved 'thank-you's thrown his way. He just smiled and was happy to help.
The next night he seemed a little hyper and tense. We were both closing the restaurant with our manager again. It was a busy night but it slowed down about an hour before closing so he came over to my station and asked, "Do you want to see me draw something?" He had seen me sketching on a piece of paper a couple of times before and knew I liked art. Interested, I said yes. He drew a stick figure man playing the drums. He was a drummer. He peaked my curiosity. He walked away to check on one of his tables after giving me the paper and I was internally doing the happy dance over the little piece of paper with a terribly drawn stick figure.
He walks back to my station not even 5 minutes later and asks, "Do you want to see me draw something else?" Excited, I say yes.
He wrote his number on the piece of paper.
My heart did the skipping thing. He gave me his number. And you know what comes out of my mouth?
"Is this for me?" I knew it sounded stupid the moment I said it because I was holding the piece of paper, about to put it in my pocket. "Of course, silly! And I hope you'll use it later," he tells me. I'm blushing bright red but I choose to text him right then and there so he has my number. Throughout the next hour before closing, we make plans over text to go to Whataburger for a midnight first date. The date itself made my heart do flips despite the fact that we were both very honest with each other and treated it like we were about to sign a contract.
He started with, "I just want to let you know I'm cuddly and I've dated a lot of girls." Very honest. I responded with, "I'm cuddly as well and I've hardly dated. I date long-term and I'm very committed." I made it clear from the start that I was looking for a relationship, not a fling. I was still a virgin, after all. I wanted to keep that to myself for the time being. I disclosed that information and he didn't mind. He said he would wait for me to be ready and thought I was someone he'd love to be in a long-term relationship with.
Over the next couple of weeks, I learned that he's a drummer, loves cars (he owned a convertible '94 Mazda Miata at the time that was a total wreck but we loved that little car), and was looking to settle down with someone. Unfortunately, there is a significant age difference between us. (10 years) I'm mature for my age and he's immature for his so you wouldn't know unless we told you. We had fun together because he could give me the dating experience I wanted and he could relax and forget about the stress in his life for a while.
I was banned from his house due to the age difference, however. It lasted about 4 months when his parents finally came around and invited me over for their Christmas dinner. The real stress began in October though. He discovered that he had a 2 year old daughter with a woman who he regretted ever getting involved with. She smoked weed primarily but she was known for doing every drug in the book. She slept around behind his back while they were together. He knew what she was doing, he just didn't care because he didn't think she was anything more than a good lay and simple company in that depressing part of his life.
She kept the kid from him for 2 and a half years before coming after him for child support in order to keep Medicaid because she couldn't pay the reduced bill. The child was born at 26 weeks, extremely early. She spent the first year of her life in an incubator on oxygen supply and had underdeveloped lungs along with underdeveloped vocal cords. Her heart was also too small and she needed an artificial heart valve shortly after birth. My boyfriend was in love at first sight with his child. (She looks exactly like him and her temperament is a lot like his.) They had the tests done and sure enough, she was his.
However, soon after the baby mama became involved and let him visit his daughter, she decided she wanted him back. I asked over and over whether or not he wanted her back and he always assured me that he didn't. He just wanted to be there for his child. I accepted that. I took the verbal abuse from her as she made it clear she hated me and thought I was every word under the sun for a she-devil because I was young, thin, had an education, and he actually liked me. He showed me her texts when I asked and I was upset every time. I heard her rant to him on the phone about how I didn't have my own place or a steady job when she supported herself off of state and federal welfare, her daughter's disability income, food stamps, and her babysitting job that she doesn't report her income taxes on. She had an apartment and car so obviously she was better than the college graduate who was working a real job, didn't do any drugs or party, on a birth control implant that would last 3 years, and actually was pleasant to be around, right? She even showed up to work one day and sat in his section at exactly the same time I brought my grandma there to meet him. I had no idea she was there.
She'd shown up very randomly and demanded to be sat in his section no matter how busy he was. Since she was there, apparently he wanted to show our coworkers his daughter but she wouldn't let it happen unless she was there to make it clear that was her kid too. He told me she wanted to stake a claim on him so he didn't allow that to happen. Only about two of our most trusted coworkers met his daughter. However, right after she paid the bill, she told the little girl to go play with him and walked over to my table. She introduced herself, sneered at me, and turned to my grandma to compliment her looks. She was very loud and caught the attention of everyone around us and my grandma did not appreciate it at all. Yes, she does look young. No, you do NOT need to shout it to everyone around us trying to enjoy a quiet dinner. I noticed my boyfriend at this time and pointed saying, "Look Grandma, he's playing with her," and completely dismissed the baby mama.
Afterwards, she texted him to say I was a jealous b-word and obviously would never be a good influence on her child so she never wanted me around his daughter. I handled myself well, smiled, told her who I was, and entertained her for those short moments. I was not jealous of her in any way and, frankly, I wanted to strangle her when I saw her. She was told not to come to his work because I was there and it would cause drama and she couldn't afford the food there but she did it anyway and made him pay for her food out of his own pocket, leaving little hearts on the receipt. Around this time, we were still fighting and he was considering going back to her for the well-being of the child if I decided to break up with him. (I found out about his feelings during that time around June of the next year. He wouldn't tell me at the time because I was so volatile and stressed out.) I had no plans to leave but we were both on edge because of her trying to butt in. The baby mama was playing nice and giving him all the time in the world, taking them to parks and out shopping when he visited so that he would enjoy himself and possibly love her and leave me because of it.
Of course, that didn't work the way she wanted because he was still with me and we were actually looking for a house for him to rent since his parents were threatening to kick him out over the fact that his child was born with such a horrible woman. (She'd threatened the life of his mother back in 2014 when they'd been together and told her that she was going to tie my boyfriend to her by getting pregnant and then he'd be forced to marry her so she'd inherit all of his mother's money when she died. The family hates her and has a hard time accepting the child. I've been the only one who actually sits down and listens to him when he wants to talk about how much fun he had during his visit and what cute things his daughter did that day.)
Around January, we had a small falling out. My anxiety disorder was rearing its ugly head and he was visiting his daughter at least once a week at random times, leaving me on my own fairly often when we'd just been building our relationship through our time together. The relationship was still developing and he'd completely dropped everything and practically ignored me for entire days at a time. It all came to a head when, one night, he promised me a date at a restaurant that night at 8 o'clock exactly AFTER his visit with his daughter. These visits had consisted of things that he shouldn't have been allowed at that stage of the court decisions. (Ex: Visiting the park, going shopping, spending entire days on the premises of the child that wasn't confirmed as his yet.) I knew this and I was constantly stressed when he was over there because I knew she was trying to get him to take her back. At the time, he was also getting distant from me and I was worried I would lose him to her despite how serious the relationship had gotten since it was still so new.
(Note: He has circumstances that could've got him into some trouble for being around the child before established parenthood and the baby mama could've called the police at any time to say he was trying to kidnap the child because she's that crazy and they would've had to take it seriously since he was visiting her home, not in public or in a government mediation facility.)
I was in that parking lot at 8. I had just paid $180 to get my hair dyed red as a surprise for him (he thinks it's attractive when I do that) and I was getting upset that he wasn't there. He was never late. So I texted him asking where he was. He was still at his baby mama's apartment about 45 minutes away "about to have dinner." I asked if he remembered that we were meeting for dinner and he said, "Yeah, AROUND 8! I'm eating dinner here first. We're having chicken." I was so upset. I tried calling him but he wouldn't answer. He texted me and said he couldn't answer because that would be rude. So I told him over text that if he didn't get to the restaurant I was at before 9, I was leaving and he wouldn't hear from me anymore. I wouldn't take being blown off so he could play house with someone who banned me from being mentioned in her home.
I waited, crying and upset, until 9. He pulls into the parking lot and parks next to me. I told him that if he couldn't make a choice to limit the visits to a reasonable schedule without cutting me out of his life the way he had been, I was going to leave. I didn't appreciate getting criticized for being upset that I was pretty much stood up on our date because he was going to have dinner BEFORE our dinner date with a woman who was trying so hard to win him over. He told me that, when he'd left, his daughter was crying and holding his leg and that his baby mama had also been crying, begging him to stay and saying that he was choosing some wh*re over them, his family. He responded with "I'm not choosing anyone over my daughter. You are not a package deal. You have no part in my family. My daughter does and I'm choosing to save my relationship tonight." He left to see me. We ended up not eating dinner at the restaurant but instead went to Whataburger that night and talked about what needed to happen.
I have divorced parents. I know how it goes. You set a schedule that makes it easy on the kids, you don't get involved early and present that semblance of 'family' for a young child only to rip it away when you split the custody, and you don't get so involved with a past fling that you sacrifice your current relationship. I get it, he wanted to see his daughter. But there are boundaries that needed to be set in order to save the relationship. He complied with most of them. He slips every now and then. Since then, we've been going pretty strong. We've had to have really good communication to keep everything in order.
In June, I discovered some emails in his inbox from way back in early January. It was long chain with his baby mama. He'd asked me to go into his email to find a car tuning map and curiosity got the best of me. I found out he was talking to her through email as if she was his girlfriend (ex: 'aw poor baby I'm sorry you're sick' and 'you know I'd be there if I could') as well as sent her photos of his "assets" while she reciprocated. It had occurred around the time of our falling out, just before the incident where he walked out on them to save the relationship. The emails stopped after that incident. I had a serious fit and was very upset with him. He was ashamed and said he thought we were going to break up and figured he would go to her if we did so that his child could have a somewhat normal family. He was upset with me for violating his privacy and I apologized for it. None of it made up for the breach in trust, however. I almost left him. I'm still so conflicted about how I should trust him around that woman.
I began living with him in June so I couldn't really go anywhere when I found out. I still slept next to him in the same bed that night, crying my eyes out and upset with him. I'm still so very in love with him. He insists that he would never consider going back to her after seeing how horrible she's become after the rejection. She threatens to not let him see his daughter on court-ordered visitation days (and yes, we keep record of every time she does so), she verbally abuses him by calling him a deadbeat and saying that he's a pedophile for liking me despite the age difference, then she turns around and tries to get him back again. I believe he doesn't want her. The stress now is mostly dealing with a baby mama who's had CPS called on her 3 times for smoking weed in a closed room with a 3 year old child with underdeveloped lungs, leaving her alone to get her head stuck in a plastic kid's toilet (she ended up going to the hospital for lacerations behind her ears), leaving knives within reach of the child, getting pets that she never cleans up after and letting her kid play in the 'excretions' of pets that aren't potty trained, etc.
She's a horrible mother and she's completely ignoring the fact that she's probably going to have her child taken away and put into a home until my boyfriend can get his stuff together and get custody. What started as a teenage love story turned into a very serious, very adult situation very fast. I'm young, not even 21 yet. I love my boyfriend to death and I think I would say yes if he proposed to me. Our 1-Year anniversary will be in September. I know we're moving fast. No buts about it. We've talked about marriage, we've talked about the possibility of me getting pregnant, we've talked about what would happen if we broke up, we've talked about what would happen if we divorced later in life, we're prepared for most situations.
The reason for this post is to hope beyond hope that someone can understand the situation I'm in. It's not really making the choice so much as preparing for big changes when I'm happy as I am. I have about a year and a half before he considers putting a ring on me and about two years before he can afford to fight for custody of his child and be fully prepared to give her a good life. (A house, a school to go to, the proper medical equipment, food, clothes, etc.) A child is such a huge responsibility and the baby mama is a horrible add-on. I know she'll never go away. I know I can't possibly make that change. However, I can put up with her if my boyfriend is on my side... but there are days where he'll refuse to take sides and it hurts. It makes it hard to think about whether or not all of this will be worth it in the end.
I haven't been allowed to meet the child. The baby mama has banned me from even being mentioned in her home and when my boyfriend wanted to bring his family to meet her for lunch in a restaurant with the baby mama at a different table, the baby mama made absolutely sure to make it very clear that I was not allowed to come. The family was fine. He suggested that she talk to me over the phone and come to an agreement and she cancelled the lunch. He fixed it about an hour after she cancelled by kissing up to her. That was the day before the lunch. On the day of, they were about 10 minutes away from the restaurant they were going to eat at when she called him and said, "My friends say I should be allowed to sit at the table with you and your family because you're tied to me and they have to be reminded. I also want an apology from your mother for kicking me out of your house when you said I could live there and threatening my motherhood when she told me to put my child up for adoption at the time I announced my daughter's birth to her on the phone."
He told her neither of those things were going to happen and invited me out to have lunch with him and his family at a restaurant closer to home. Apparently she'd called his mom the week the child was born to rub it in her face and she never told my boyfriend because she thought it was for the best. He was humiliated. I felt dejected because I'd been forced to stay at home and house sit. It was a bad day for both of us.
I guess the problem now is that I'm trying to help him start building his custody case against her using the denied visitations and claims of making more money than she reports to the state as well as text/call proof that she's committing Parental Alientation Syndrome against him by telling the child that he doesn't love her and that he doesn't want to see her. (She does this over the phone when he tells her he won't visit on days she proposes where he's working among other things.)
It's all horrible and stressful and I'm trying my best to be supportive despite fighting my anxiety disorder and the resulting depression. It's difficult to deal with knowing everything we've gone through and the level of commitment we're at. I'm willing to be a step-mother to his child, to marry him, to have my own kids with him, to give my future to him. I just want to make it easier on myself. The last year has been way too hard on me mentally with the constant turbulence and change. I need help coping and focusing on supporting the person I love and want to stay with. I know it will all be worth it in the end but I want to enjoy the ride as well so I can help him where I can without having a breakdown every time he goes for a visitation.
Thank you for reading if you made it to the end. I know it's a long read but I feel that every detail is important to stress the extent of the change over the past year. If you have any input, I'd love to hear it. I've tried everything but reaching out on social media because the situation is so bizarre and nobody ever gives me the chance to explain every aspect of it. I'd appreciate the help.
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