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I have been thinking about things lately. Starting with how empty I felt. It is not like I don't feel things. I do cry and I do smile but my smiling felt fake and my tears were just wetting my cheeks. I don't feel alone, I know I have people who care about me. It is just that, I am alone in a way and being okay with that is weird. scary even. Because I don't want to be okay with it. I want to cry and scream and feel. just a little bit more. I know people love me, I know I have friends and I know they really love me, sometimes. I'm not being a moody teenager don't take these words in the wrong way. It is just that I feel nothing. Nothing worth telling. I feel like I have nothing to add. I feel like I'm ordinary. Not that being ordinary is bad.It's like I was used to be the different one. The one with green eyes and the one who just had a baby brother or the one with different cultured parents. I don't know.
The thing is I have been thinking about death and I don't plan to commit suicide or anything. It is just that it sounds so incredibly marvelous. All the pain in the world just vanishing. the thought of that just makes me smile. No more pain.
The thing is right now I don't feel pain. I feel goddamn empty and you know what. This is worse. I want to cry. I want to really cry. I don't want it to be fake. I want my heart to break or I want to laugh. Fully. I want to be really happy that I'll forget about this feeling inside of me. Because the thing is I know I have a heart, I have mercy and pain and regrets and forgiveness and love, a whole lot of them. But I don't feel like I want to live. I don't want to die. That is one of the problems. I don't want to cut myself or cause myself harm. I don't want to cause people harm. I don't want to tell anyone. I don't want them to be sad about it. I don't want them to pity me or blame themselves. I want to tell my mother. I'm sick of lying about how ı feel. When she asks me how I feel or if I'm okay I can see the look on her face and the concern in her voice but ı just can't. I couldn't take it if she blamed herself. The problem with how I'm feeling is that I don't need someone to comfort me or love me. I don't know what I need. Maybe it is because it is summer and I can't see anyone but my best friends. That makes four friends in total. Maybe it is because I'm so disconnected from people. As I said I don't know. I want to be really happy when people say something nice to me or compliment me. Not just fake thank you's and you too's.
I want to love. Hard. And get terribly heartbroken. Because if it means that I'll feel more full then I'll do it. I'll do anything.
Now finally I realize why I want drama to happen. It is not because it distracts me from family issues. It is because it distracts me from my own issues. I want to be caught up in other people because their issues seem more fixable than mine. Like a crush or a fight. It made me feel full. Like people needed me to fix things. Like people needed me. Because without that it feels like I'm useless. It feels horrible. I hope you never feel it. If you ever felt like this and know a way to help me please tell me.
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