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I don't want to lose my wife before we even get married. I don't want to lose my family before I even have one. I'm still trying to deal with my pain. I don't know how long I will feel this way and lately it feels like it will never go away. I never understood why he decided to do this to us. Even all those years later when Phillip told me what happened with our grandfather... That just made me more angry and confused. Why would you do exactly what you know destroyed your own childhood to your wife and kids? Is there a way to break the cycle. A healthy way? Do I have enough of my mother absorbed within my person to be better? I think I do. I know I do. I feel I do, but I still question his actions and my feelings all these years later. My newest vice... I dare describe it. It's not like it is significantly different than what used to grip the pain. The images of the thing I fear the most. Please God, help me heal and understand why I feel so hopeless in my moments of weakness.
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